Willie’s Drug Bust: “I’m Undercover, Man!”

(FiniteTimes.com) – Willie Nelson is denying that he did anything illegal when his tour bus was pulled over in Lafayette, Louisiana on Monday and all its occupants were cited for drug possession.

On the contrary, he was undercover.

“By order of the chief executive of this great country of ours, I’m probing Homeland Security and making sure the Taliban ain’t selling no weed here, man,” Willie told The Finite Times counter-culture correspondent Sky Rainspout. “These fellahs in Louisiana passed with flying colors.”

This story actually starts several weeks ago, when Nelson, stealing a page from the Elvis playbook, knocked on the front gate of the White House late one night and asked to be deputized. The president agreed to see him, and three days and five cases of Doritos later Nelson emerged from the gate a special agent of the Homeland Security Foreign Weed Eradication Task Force.

He’s been on the job ever since.

“We essentially grass up and go for a drive, you know? We target a different state everyday, sometimes Texas, Utah, Boston,” Nelson said, his band nodding very slowly in agreement. “Usually they pull us over and we get off by signing autographs or giving a short impomp… inprom…promptu… acoustic concert. Imagine if we were Al Qaeda. We’d be on our way to peddle our pot to a bunch of dumb white kids and use the cash to buy guns. That’s just not right, man.”

Homeland Security spokesman Russ Knocke had little comment when asked about the Nelson situation.

“I’m not saying any of this is true, but if it hypothetically was, the high dumbass just blew his cover,” said Knocke.

Willie Nelson’s tour bus was last seen billowing smoke outside a Tallahassee Taco Bell drive-through.

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