White House Privately Mulls AG Position

(FiniteTimes.com) – As all of Washington settles into hurry-up-and-wait mode for President Bush to initial walking papers for his longtime friend and Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, many political insiders are wondering exactly why the ax has yet to fall. The answer, surprisingly enough, may actually be what everyone is waiting for: initials.

“George W. Bush approaches the big decisions in his presidency with an almost childlike superstition,” says Denise Hibbard, an analyst for the Center for Universal Inquiry, a Washington think-tank. “For the Attorney General, or AG position, early on he wanted to get his friend Alberto Gonzalez, or AG, in. As soon as the president realized he would be creating “AGAG,” he was all “want that, want that,” and he got it, got it.

“Unfortunately,” Hibbard says, “now he’s kind of stuck.”

The White House has secretly been working a short AGAG list for the past couple of weeks, with little luck. Singer and pastor Al Green turned out to be the wrong kind of Christian and was dropped from the list, as was singer Art Garfunkel, who declined due to his active participation on the country’s polka circuit. Actor Andy Garcia also had to beg off due to his current “Ocean’s Twenty-Seven: The Bingo Heist” shooting schedule.

“Garcia probably hurt the most,” says Hibbard. “Andy would have been a perfect one-for-one ethnic replacement for Gonzales, and you know how President Bush loves pandering to the Hispanic community, or his “les hombres friendos,” as he calls them.”

Of the two remaining on the list, Hibbard quickly discounts Sioux City mechanic Adam Guffman as a serious contender (“A Honda mechanic? Please.”). And the last?

“He’s by far the most experienced, and I’m sure he’d be out tomorrow wrapping his lips around a car tailpipe to get the job, but I’ve got to tell you: Al Gore, the phone ain’t gonna ring,” Hibbard says.

So what’s a White House to do? Cave in to reality, says USC political sciences professor Irving J. Stark.

“President Bush has this stubborn, ‘my hand won’t be forced’ thing going on with how he makes decisions,” Professor Stark says. “He needs to realize that hey, you don’t really have to have an AG with the initials AG. Why not use the ‘pick a name for every room, start drinking and which ever room you wake up in is your nominee’ approach? Which almost got us Chief Justice Wade Boggs, by the way, but that’s beside the point.

“Basically, if eenie meenie miney moe was good enough to get us into Iraq, why isn’t it good enough to get us our next attorney general?” Stark asks.

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