Troops Tend to Handheld Virtual Families

(FiniteTimes.com) – Stationed just outside of Baghdad for the past 26 months, Corporal Emmitt Brown hasn’t seen his wife or young daughter since his deployment. Thanks to the Pentagon putting a new use to an old technology, however, he feels they are still very much a part of his daily life.

“See that little brown bar there? The longer it is, the worse her diaper is,” Corporal Brown says as he deftly manipulates the buttons on the small handheld device he holds. The device starts to gurgle and coo. “All set now, but boy, that was a nasty one. I forgot to bring her on patrol with me. Baaaaad daddy.”

The device is called a Famagotchi, and it’s giving soldiers throughout the Middle Eastern theater a chance to reclaim some of the family time their deployments are costing them. Based upon the virtual pet craze of the late 90’s, each Famagotchi is custom coded to represent a specific soldier’s family.

“We’ve found it gives the soldiers something concrete to hold onto, something of their stateside lives to care for, nourish, mold,” says Army psychologist Dr. Raymond Standish. “After a hot, dusty day of killing insurgents and assorted collateral targets, there’s nothing quite like a Famagotchi virtual hug to put everything into perspective.”

While the device also covers wives with such commands as “Headache? I don’t think so.” and “Confront regarding credit card bill and new fleet of shoes.”, the Famagotchi is primarily geared towards a soldier’s parental needs. Virtual children can be read to, rocked, fed, punished, changed… pretty much the full range of child-rearing situations are covered. The accelerated AI engine can quickly bring children into the teens, allowing soldiers the opportunity to see their children grow before their eyes, and before their real children do the same.

“I’m on my third Darcy,” says Corporal Brown. “The first one took a bullet outside of Samarra, saving my life but destroying the device. The second died when I forgot to feed her during a drunken Green Zone weekend. This time I’m going to get it right.”

While the Famagotchi is in limited deployment to date, it still has attracted considerable criticism from many groups.

“We’ve been hearing some disturbing stories concerning these devices, stories the military will not tell you,” says Marion Hargrave, Director of the Institute for the Study of Virtual Ethics. “Incidents on the battle field, where “Pat the Bunny” trumps “Pat down the shady-looking Iraqi guy,” often with lethal consequences. Soldiers confusing the Famagotchi with real life and calling their wives to berate them for a son or daughter’s behavior that didn’t really happen. This is a slippery slope.”

Corporal Brown couldn’t disagree more.

“It’s like I’m really interacting with them, totally different from the cardboard cutouts of my wife and daughter they originally tried out. Everyone in the unit got those, and the first time we ran out of targets on the shooting range, Sarg made us line them all up and open fire.” His Famagotchi starts beeping. “Jesus Christ, not the chicken pox!”

Three bunks over a red-faced soldier jabs furiously at one of his Famagotchi buttons. With each jab, the device issues a high-pitched scream.

“Ed’s in love with the punish button. His virt-boy is showing a fondness for lipstick and hoop earings,” Brown smirks, his voice low. “I’m so glad I’ve got a virt-girl.”

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