Justice admin on 12 Jul 2006 12:45 pm
Trial Lawyers Flock to Guantanamo
(FiniteTimes.com) – The US Coast Guard has told The Finite Times that they have spotted a large flotilla of vessels in the ocean straits between Cuba and Florida. In an odd twist, they admit that the flotilla is heading south.
“We suspect that they are trial lawyers, trying to get in on some of the lawsuit action that may result now that the president has allowed the Guantanamo prisoners Geneva Convention rights,” said Coast Guard Mini-Admiral Hector Badaz.
The Finite Times’ own thrill-seeking reporter Gerald Rivera has confirmed that this is in fact the case.
“This is the largest ambulance chase in history,” Gerald said, sea foam soaking his ample mustache as an ocean breeze fap, fap, fapped his toupee.
According to Gerald, the lawyers come prepared. Many have been purchasing advertising on southern Florida stations, advertising that is hauntingly familiar:
“Have you been injured in an accidental prison cell photo op? I’m here to fight for you!”
“Don’t think there’s anyone in your corner when you’re cowering at the bottom of a naked pyramid? Think again!”
“Did you get mesothelioma when your Koran was exposed to asbestos? I can help!”
One lawyer that Gerald was able to talk to was philosophical about the whole situation.
“When they die, they’re promised 72 virgins,” said Houston-based legal-weevil Bob Skuttle. “Who’s to say they aren’t entitled to $72 million while still alive? Call me today!”
The only response from the Bush administration so far has been to hire Halliburton to build a big moat around the island of Cuba in an attempt to keep the lawyers out. Officials are directing all questions concerning this developing story to the Department of Ethical Lapse Management.
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