Tallahassee Vice

(FiniteTimes.com) – As FEMA staff scramble to put in place some form of plan for the upcoming hurricane season and administration officials brainstorm appearance-of-competency strategies, a small city is quietly growing just east of Tallahassee, Florida.

The residents call it “Vice City.”

“Ah come down here wit all my ho’s, and we just waiting fo it,” pimp Cornelius Schwartz III told The Finite Times Disaster Correspondent Gerald Rivera. “It coming some day, we just waitin’… ho, get yo ass back out there and peddle it bitch!”

“It” in this case is the next cataclysmic hurricane that will lay waste to some portion of the gulf coast. Schwartz, his ho’s and hundreds of other vice experts have gathered in Vice City to await the devastation, and the resulting FEMA debit cards that will come after.

“Will it hit Miami, New Orleans, Tacoma? You just never know, man,” said crack dealer and geography savant Duwayne Williams. “We’re mobilizing here to move out when we’re needed. Wherever it hits, me and my rocks be there, yo.”

“It’s tough, no doubt about it,” Gabe Vincelli of Gabe’s Mobile Gambling Den says of life in Vice City. He points to various sections of a map that our man Gerald has drawn in the dirt.

“I got syphilis here, addicted to meth there. This here… ah man, I don’t even want to think about that,” said Vincelli. “Vice City is just basically a giant circle jerk at the moment, waiting for the next storm, the next gold rush.”

FEMA Director David Paulison is sympathetic to the various pushers, prostitutes and Three-Card Monty dealers living in semi-conscious squalor outside of Tallahassee, but his hands are tied.

“I’d like to do a heck of a job, I really would, but I really need a hurricane, or maybe a violent gay pride parade to work with,” said Paulison. “Anything.”

In the meantime, the waiting goes on.

Next week: Gerald Rivera gets embedded with the newly-formed Vice City Hamster Insertion Brigade.

Share and Enjoy: