Satanists Seek Injunction

(FiniteTimes.com) – They were milling about the sidewalk when Summit County Clerk of Courts Diana Zaleski arrived at work Monday morning, a small group of diminutive men with pale skin and dark clothing.

“At first I thought they were a wandering troupe of mimes, but then one burned himself with his mugwort smudge stick and swore,” Ms. Zaleski recalled. “Not with his hands swore, but verbally swore. Then I knew they weren’t mimes.”

They were, in fact, the Unquestionably Satanic Men’s Club (USMC), a local neo-coven, and they were on a mission: to get an injunction barring politicians from using Satan’s name, likeness or signature brimstone scent in their campaigns or related political activities. The Finite Times caught up with the USMC brooding in a corner booth at an Akron McDonald’s.

“Hugo Chavez got the ball rolling when he called Bush ‘Satan’,” said USMC coven leader Fang. “There wasn’t anything we could do about Chavez, but Falwell, well, he’s another matter entirely.”

“Falwell” refers to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, who on Friday claimed that Hillary Clinton was more frightening to his constituency than Satan. If the USMC has its way, such public comparisons could well become illegal.

“First of all, It. Was. A. Joke.” said Falwell spokesman Gaye Sauve. “A big bitch, a tax and spend whore? Certainly, of course, but Hillary is no Satan. Come on.

“In terms of this injunction, it’s the first we’re hearing about it, but it really shouldn’t be a problem. We protect our flock from liberals. Seriously, Satan hasn’t come up in years,” Suave said.

USMC coven leader Fang is confident that the good name of Satan will cease to be dragged through the partisan mud.

“Satan controls hell, hello? Finding lawyers to fight for our cause will not be an issue,” Fang said before turning back to his Happy Meal. A judge is expected to consider the injunction request as early as next week.

The FiniteTimes Midwest Managing Editor Cy Langely contributed to this story.

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