Rolling Stone’s Family Reunions a Smorgasbord

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Keith Richards revealed to the world earlier this week that he had snorted some of his father’s ashes in 2002, many were appalled, although not really surprised. To a select few, Richards was less a depraved aging rocker and more a kindred spirit.

“I was sitting in my apartment, toking up on Mom, when I heard,” recalls “Marci”, a middle-aged housewife from Encino. Five years ago she managed to sneak into a nearby mortuary and shave her deceased mother’s head. She’s been enjoying a nightly hair/reefer treat ever since.

“I can’t explain the sense of peace I get, sharing a smoke with Mom,” Marci says. Her expression turns serious as she eyes the bright, shiny shovel leaning in a far corner of the room. “My stash is actually getting quite low. Not sure what I’m going to do.”

Marci is not alone. The American Psychological Disorder Institute (APDI) estimates that some 2000 Americans may suffer from some form of RID, or Relative Intoxicant Disorder. Those afflicted with RID develop an unnatural desire to actually physically consume those closest to them. The APDI’s Dr. Kenneth Taylor sees many correlations between RID and a similar disorder, cannibalism.

“Well, they are actually quite close, psychologically. I mean, you’re ingesting people, right?” says Dr. Taylor. “That sort of compulsion has to come from the same place in the psyche. The primary difference of course is that with RID you’ve got a hunger for Aunt Flo’s toes, so to speak, while with cannibalism, anyone can be had for dinner. I rather think that cannibals would find strangers to be tastier, but that’s just conjecture.”

Dr. Taylor says that treatment for RID sufferers can be difficult, but not impossible. A combination of medication and group therapy seems to offer the best chance for the RID-afflicted to lead a full, productive life.

As for Keith Richards, while the guitarist denies he has a problem, he does acknowledge that his association with the disorder has affected him.

“Well, the wankers refuse to invite me to family reunions anymore, don’t they?” Richards sniffs. “Actually, they’ve never invited me, but at least I’ve graduated from ‘He’ll piss in the punch bowl’.

“That’s something, I guess.”

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