Recruiters to School Shooters: Enlist!

(FiniteTimes.com) – Quick to follow up on President Bush’s call earlier this week to “get help for our embattled schoolagers,” the White House has fired the first shot in what they are calling the War On The War On Our Schools.

“I’m here today to implore all would-be school shooters: don’t Swiss cheese our kids, come to work for us,” Army recruiter Rock Mullette told a packed Dayton auditorium on Wednesday. The crowd’s silence was not a condemnation of Recruiter Mullette’s message, but a testament to the constrictive nature of body armor.

“These folks know how to use a gun, how to load it, how to kiss it and pretend it’s an avenging angel sent down to smite their enemies,” Recruiter Mullette told The Finite Times after the Dayton speech. “They’re good at planning a covert operation, and their standoff experience is excellent training for both the foxhole and anytime that communication skills will be required.

“Bottom line though: they’re not afraid to shoot the shit out of people,” Recruiter Mullette said. “These are the folks we’re looking for.”

“President Bush is deeply concerned about our young people, and that’s why our plan to force all gay males with a computer and IM software to register with Homeland Sec… oh wait, wrong meme,” Press Secretary Tony Snow said at the daily White House press briefing. Once back on message, Snow had some finger-wagging words for any would-be shooters.

“Visit your local recruiter BEFORE you storm a school and start shooting people,” Snow warned. “While we realize you shooters have some fairly significant issues to work out, a CIA-run Middle Eastern prison is the place to do it. Not a classroom.”

President Bush is expected to announce as early as next week the next phase of his War On The War On Our Schools plan: the merger of the Department of Education and the ATF into one cabinet-level agency, tentatively to be run by Halliburton.

Share and Enjoy: