Punxsutawney Phil Gitmo Bound

(FiniteTimes.com) – As he does every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his Pennsylvania burrow and sought his shadow. This year, he saw it, meaning six more years of winter. Then he saw the multiple shadows of law enforcement personnel, meaning indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

The post-ceremonial arrest of Punxsutawney Phil capped off a three month investigation by federal agents from the FBI and US Marshals that also nabbed such second tier groundhogs as Springfield Sam, Bangor Bob and Cincinnati Sue. All are being held for engaging in terrorist activities under the Patriot Act.

“Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow every year since 1999,” said Stanley Nichols of the FBI’s Lower Mammalian Task Force. “Then we started looking into these other groundhogs, and the same pattern emerged. We got an illegal wiretap, and sure enough, they were plotting to extend winter to influence our oil prices. I’m disgusted, just disgusted.”

Lawyers for Punxsutawney Phil proclaimed their client innocent and demanded immediate access to him. Asked about the situation at a gathering to promote whatever the hell he was talking about in his State of the Union address, President Bush would only say, “Hey, Chuckie is a personal friend of mine, a good rodent. If you look at him, you think, ‘Good rodent.’ But if he’s going to mess with the best, he’s going to get fried up with onions like the rest, heh heh heh.”

Meanwhile, officials in Punxsutawney have already contracted with a squirrel to fill in for Punxsutawney Phil if it becomes necessary next year. “The mere presumption of guilt is probably enough for us,” said a spokesman for the mayor’s office. “I think Punxsutawney Phil will be blacklisted, and rightly so.”

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