The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin announced Monday that she would be seeking a restraining order against the Turner Broadcasting System’s CNN.com for “excessive and repeated violation of [her] right to privacy.”

“The lamestream media has been heavily on my back, but these guys at CNN.com, sheesh!” Palin posted on her Facebook page. “I got staff leaving, that’s a story. Every Twitter toot I make, a story. Every poll, a story. Every time I get on a plane, a story. Get a room, CNN.com!” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Soon-to-be House Speaker John Boehner got an early Christmas present Tuesday in the form of a little balsam training gavel. The gavel was presented to him at a Republican caucus luncheon thrown by lobbyists at a local popular DC restaurant, the Rutting Boar.

“I’m just so honored, I’m almost beyond words,” Boehner said, his voice breaking as two large tears rolled down his cheeks. “Thank you, thank you. I love you all like I was gay.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – With the new US/Russia START treaty looking increasingly imperiled, Democrats in Congress are signaling their willingness to negotiate with Republicans over the matter by proposing that the entire US nuclear program be privatized.

“Construction, deployment, maintenance… right down the line, all overseen by private parties,” says one source close to high-ranking Senate Democrats. “Not only will this substantially save money and cut out government overhead, but our research has proven that, in private hands, we’ll be able to deploy twice the amount of missiles for about the same cost as our current program. Think orbital deterrent at basement prices.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The website WikiLeaks and its founder Julian Assange created waves this past weekend by releasing some 250,000 diplomatic cables that have been praised by free speech advocates and roundly condemned by the administration. While many of the more inflammatory items within the cables have been covered extensively in the media, The Finite Times has dug up some lesser-known tidbits that have gotten little if any play in the press. Our list of lesser-known WikiLeaks bits includes: Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Reeling from controversy over its revised pat-down rules for air travelers, the TSA has announced that it will be altering said rules again next week to make them more palatable to a grope-weary public.

“When we first announced the new regulations, we really thought the safety factor alone would sell them,” said a source with the TSA. “Apparently we needed to sweeten the incentives pot a little, so we did.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The original Mama Grizzly was quick to protect her cub on Wednesday with a Twitter and Facebook salvo directed at Dancing With The Stars and a media she deemed “determined to piss on anything Palin”.

“Third @#%$& place, DWTS? Salmon and grits, that is communist, Satanish and wrong, shame on DWTS!” Sarah Palin tweeted shortly after the third place finish of her daughter Bristol on Dancing With The Stars. She followed this up with a Facebook call to arms. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – A new poll out by the American Business Coalition is raising renewed questions about whether any Democrat is electable this midterm cycle.

The poll, conducted over the period of October 17-19, involved 657 registered Republican voters living in the states of Kansas and Utah. The results of the poll, released during a special all-day Fox News special called “Democrats: Death Spiral of a Political Party”, suggest that generic Democratic candidates would fare poorly if they were to run against everyday objects like rocks, hammers… even a junked ’72 Chevy Nova. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Spooked by recent primary losses to more right-wing Tea Party candidates, Congressional Republican leaders have adopted a new tactic in their legislative war with the Democrats: human statue-ing. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Opponents of a Gainsville church’s plans to burn Qurans this weekend are claiming a small degree of victory after the church’s controversial pastor said that their plans have changed.

“We will no long be burning Qurans,” says the Reverend Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center. “We’ll be microwaving them instead. Irradiating them with the love of Christ. I’m thinking on high for 90 seconds each will put a little of the warmth of hell into radical Islam.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – In a sign that embattled Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele’s tenure may be drawing to a close, a close associate of the chairman tells The Finite Times that Steele is putting the finishing touches on a Christmas album that he hopes to release in time for the holidays. Continue Reading »