The Finite Times

Punxsutawney, PA (FiniteTimes.com) – The spokesman for perennial spring prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil is lashing out at the Bush administration, claiming that bureaucrats from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration approached him late last year and offered him a “grant” to skew this year’s Groundhog Day results. Punxsutawney Tourism and Travel Coordinator Roger Peterson’s claims appear in this month’s issue of Science Magazine. Continue Reading »

Miami, FL (FiniteTimes.com) – Officials for the National Football League publicly rebuked Senator Joseph Biden Saturday for “outing” a Senator Barack Obama Ivory soap ad that is scheduled to air during the Super Bowl. Continue Reading »

Washington, DC (FiniteTimes.com) – Seeking to stem the flood of negative testimony their client is facing in his perjury and obstruction of justice trial, attorneys for former White House aide I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby have announced that veteran actor George Takei will be joining their defense team. Takei’s primary responsibility will be the closing argument. Continue Reading »

Barbara Bush Boulevard, Baghdad, Iraq (FiniteTimes.com) – President Bush’s State of the Union speech wasn’t hard to miss in Baghdad on Wednesday. The capitol city’s one state-run television station, Iraqi Free TV, abandoned its usual fare of Fox News and The Andy Griffith Show episodes to show the address marathon-fashion throughout the day. But it was a much different speech than the one the American people saw. Continue Reading »

Manhattan, New York (FiniteTimes.com) – While court-watchers were not surprised when Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to beaning her maid in the head with a BlackBerry last March, the sentence she received for her perfect pitch left many scratching their heads. Continue Reading »

Washington, DC (FiniteTimes.com) – The Senate grilling of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was abruptly halted on Thursday when a relieved Ms. Rice was unexpectedly called away to tend to an urgent matter. The matter? Continue Reading »

Cincinnati, Ohio (FiniteTimes.com) – If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Jerry Springer is feeling very flattered indeed. Continue Reading »

Uncontrolled Reentry, Outer Atmosphere, CA (FiniteTimes.com) – Plagued by a slew of bad press and revealing miscues over the past several weeks, Britney Spears is hoping that her upcoming album will be just the tonic to cure her career woes. And according to the singer’s official Website, she’s taking steps to assure its success. Continue Reading »

Baghdad, Iraq (FiniteTimes.com) - Mere hours before he was to be put to death by hanging, former Iraqi despot Saddam Hussein was making a remarkable claim: just prior to the U.S. invasion of Iraq, Jesus talked to him. Continue Reading »

Baghdad, Iraq (FiniteTimes.com) – Iraqi Interim Penal Minister Alaki al-Ashrani announced Friday that his country was preparing to sync its execution of former leader Saddam Hussein with the dropping of the New Year’s ball in New York’s Times Square. Continue Reading »