Entertainment &Justice admin on 04 Feb 2010 12:24 pm
Officials Investigating Semi-Celebrity Terrorist Cell
(FiniteTimes.com) – Investigators in Connecticut and California are coordinating their efforts to investigate what they say is the most decentralized and deranged terrorist cell they’re ever seen. And did we mention that it’s d-list?
“We believe that Mr. (Rip) Torn and Mr. (Leif) Garrett are part of an elaborate plot to undermine the moral standings of the United States,” said Connecticut State Police Special Investigator John McKnight. “While their actions appear irrational and non-linked, we believe this is all part of their elaborate plan to corrupt America’s youth and cripple a generation.”
Rip Torn was arrested last week in Connecticut on charges of drunkenly breaking into a bank after-hours with a gun. Leif Garrett was arrested Monday in Los Angeles subway platform with heroin in his shoe.
Based in part on bits and pieces of a nearly incoherent manifesto shouted out by Mr. Torn upon his arrest, authorities believe that the so-called Semi-Celebrity Cell is looking to use their collective faded 15 minutes of fame and ongoing addiction problems to get youths addicted to alcohol, heroin and other drugs. Their belief is that today’s star-struck teens will look up to and seek to emulate the alcohol and drug-soaked escapades of the faintly famous.
“It’s not a great plan, but they were probably pretty messed-up when they thought of it, so there you go,” said Special Investigator McKnight. “We assume a foreign power is funding this terrorist effort, since the individuals we’ve identified so far aren’t exactly rolling in it — or Brainiacs, for that matter — but we aren’t prepared to point fingers in any one direction yet.”
Special Investigator McKnight also says that there are probably other members of the cell still out there working their mayhem, each with their own unique, special talent.
“We’ve identified the alcoholic, and the heroin addict, and we’re very close to ID’ing the cocaine head,” says McKnight. “On a related note, we would like to interview Amy Winehouse and Lindsay Lohan, if anyone has any information on their whereabouts. Oh, and Darryl Strawberry, just for the hell of it.”
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