NASCAR to Toss Tracks for “Dragster Wheels”

(FiniteTimes.com) – Citing safety concerns, NASCAR officials have announced that they will be dropping their “endlessly go around in a circle on a track” model for an “endlessly go around in a circle in a hamster wheel” one.

“Essentially we’ll set up several dozen large “Dragster Wheels” along the surface of existing race tracks,” NASCAR spokesman Billy Bob Barnes told The Finite Times. “Each car will be assigned to and set in a specific wheel, and the first one to reach the set number of rotations wins the race.”

NASCAR is quick to point out a number of plusses that this new racing format will provide. In addition to increased safety for drivers, drunk fans will now be able to mingle along the track and get within feet of their idols. Energy generated by the rotating wheels will also be used to power the performance of whatever country act of the day is playing on the infield.

Drivers and fans alike are mixed in their feelings about this new format.

“About all I’ll have to do is stomp on the gas and keep it to the floor,” said driver Chester Daniels. “Where’s the gosh durn skill in that?”

“Oh, it’s gonna be cool,” said NASCAR Dad Jed Miller. “You can get so close to the drivers… I’m just looking forward to pissing on Jeff Gordon’s tire. Yee haw!”

Dragster Wheels are set to debut in the 2008 NASCAR season.

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