Here She Gums, Miss America

(FiniteTimes.com) – Less than 48 hours after first feeling the glorious weight of the Miss America tiara resting on her head, Oklahoma’s Lauren Nelson was out, stripped of her title and her dignity after a series of racy photos involving herself and a gang of midget gynecology students hit the Internet. Pageant officials wasted no time in naming a replacement.

“Ida Scrump is a remarkable woman, a pillar in her retirement community, and a fine, upstanding albeit slightly hunched-over individual,” said Sam Haskell, chairman of the Miss America Organization board. The 86-year-old Scrump beamed beside him. “We fully expect that she’ll be able to fulfill all of her obligations as Miss America, so long as said obligations don’t fall on Bingo Wednesdays.”

The coronation of Scrump is the latest attempt by beauty pageant officials to stem a series of incidents that have led to firings or public repudiations of contestants over the past year. Donald Trump, owner of the Miss USA and Miss Universe contests and the man responsible for firing Miss Nevada last year after pictures of her cavorting with other women surfaced, sees the Miss America move as a positive thing.

“Well first, let me just point out that its the big fat lesbian pigs who are responsible for a lot of this, if you know what I mean,” said Trump from the set of his show, The Apprentice. “Listen, Ida’s a wonderful woman, and I’m happy that they got that all worked out. She’s in bed by seven, doesn’t party… she’s perfect! Now if you could just dry up the Viagra supply in her immediate circle, I think you’d have all your bases covered.”

Barring death or dementia, Ida Scrump is expected to stroller her way through ribbon cuttings and NASCAR press junkets until the crown is passed next January. Among the various issues she hopes to concentrate on during her reign: prescription drug prices, the creation of a Bob Barker museum, and world peace.

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