Politics admin on 06 Sep 2007 08:32 am
Fur Flies Over Petaeus Recommendation
(FiniteTimes.com) – As the nation’s capitol gears up for the long awaited report by General David Petraeus, advanced copies have begun to leak out to various media outlets and congressional offices. The Iraqi War progress report covers a number of expected metrics, examining everything from the number of police precincts to specific incidents of sectarian violence. Those privy to the leaked report say that there is nothing unusual about it. As expected, much of the information contained within it attempts to paint progress in the ongoing war in as favorable a light as possible.
Nothing unusual, that is, until Section 17, Subsection 4, Paragraph 11.
“Based upon extensive research into ancient tribal customs held by most of the parties involved in the Mesopotamian situation, the architects of this report recommend that the sacrifice of goats be forthwith undertaken by US military personnel assigned to the Iraqi theater. It is our recommendation that one goat be sacrificed a week, two a week during the so-called “warmish” season, but none on or around Ramadan. Goats should be sacrificed with one of those little curly swords, the ones with the tassels on them.”
“Sacrificing goats? I’ve never heard of such a vile thing in my life,” says Alaska’s senior senator Ted Stevens. “I hope this is just a hoax perpetrated by someone in some Internets tube somewhere. If it’s real, they better take it out of that report before it hits my desk. I’m certainly not going to sign off on something where little goats get killed.”
An adjunct cultural liaison with the Pentagon says that the recommendation is actually a sound one based on Iraqi cultural mores, and may help at the very least to improve the image of US troops amongst “Joe Average” Iraqis. Dr. Susan Malone says that the Iraqi people have long held that animal sacrifice can help to sway the hand of fate.
“It wouldn’t necessarily compel, say, Allah to do anything, but it would create a playing field that might be more favorable to positive change, which in this case would be the Iraqis turning against the insurgents and embracing the Americas,” Dr. Malone says. “That is how they might view it. Plus, the Iraqis just plain hate goats. Despise them. Kill a couple purely out of spite and you’ll probably generate a bunker full of goodwill.”
Still, Dr. Malone and others acknowledge the difficulty that the Pentagon will be facing in trying to sell any kind of sacrifice to the American people.
“Americans still buy their steaks in cellophane and pitch a fit whenever you point out where they actually come from, and those are big dumb moo-cows,” Dr. Malone says. “Cute little goats are going to be a hard sell. Personally, I’d go before the public with a ton of charts and numerous examples illustrating why we should be sacrificing goats now, and not leaving them for our children to sacrifice.
“Stress that PETA will probably be joining the insurgents en masse as well… that might help,” adds Dr. Malone.
The Petraeus report, with or without the sacrificial recommendation, will be officially released to the public September 15.
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