“Freedomworks” Sparks Capitol Fisticuffs

(FiniteTimes.com) – It started out simply enough.

Senator Jack Ensign (R-Nev.) introduced a bill on the Senate floor last week that would have renamed “fireworks” to “freedomworks”.

“This year, as we gaze up at the spectacle of exploding ordinance and go ooo! aah!, we’ll remember the forest fires that have devastated so many of our Western friends – my neighbors – and we’ll say ‘Those are some pretty nifty freedomworks’,” Ensign said on the floor of the Senate.

Unbeknownst to Ensign, F. James Sensenbrenner (R-Wis.) was offering a similar, albeit markedly different, bill on the House floor.

“I find it reprehensible that our flag burning amendment did not pass. When you’re watching your local freedomworks this 4th, remember that any terrorist with a Bic can now legally disparage your flag,” said Sensenbrenner.

When each man learned of the other’s proposed legislation, they both rushed to the Capitol Rotunda , where the congressional equivalent of white, pudgy chickens cockfighting commenced.

“I was like dammmmmmn. This one old white dude was like ‘You stole my shit’ and the other was like ‘Did not bitch’ and then they was like ‘It’s go time’ and ‘Bring it on, honky dick’ and they threw down, yo,” congressional intern Yolanda Jackson told The Finite Times.

While neither side would publicly comment on the record (the first rule about congressional decorum is you don’t talk about congressional decorum), an anonymous source for Sensenbrenner declared victory.

“From where I was sitting, Sensenbrenner appeared to nail him in the nuts five, maybe six times,” the source said. “All I remember thinking was ow, ow, ow, ow, ow… and maybe ow.”

While too late to be enacted for this year’s 4th, both bills are expected to be at the top of the House and Senate schedules when both chambers reconvene next week. Capitol police are still investigating to see whether any Democrats will be charged in the incident.

Share and Enjoy: