Exercise Stance Angers Bush Base

(FiniteTimes.com) – It seemed like a no-lose situation: stick the president in bicycle shorts on Saturday and send him off to Maryland to tout the benefits of physical exercise. As the White House was learning by Monday morning, in politics there is no such thing as a no-lose situation.

“Should we be concentrating on beefing up the body, or the soul?” asked the Reverend Ainsley B. Harcott of the Altoona, Pennsylvania Altoona Bible Church. “If it’s the soul, a few reps of gay bashing should be sufficient to tone up the eternal spirit. I certainly don’t remember Jesus popping a wheelie or Adam doing aerobics. Not in my Bible, they didn’t.

“We just really wish the president had run this by our church secretary,” Reverend Harcott added.

Christian fundamentalists have been largely on the same page in their condemnation of President Bush’s “phys-ed photo op” on Saturday. The bottom line for most such groups is that, with the Rapture so near, the time spent on muscle training could be better spent. On praying, for example.

“I don’t mean to belittle the president’s interests. Heck a man has to relax now and then,” said Reverend Otis Willoughby, of the Denver-based Berean Church. “But he’s in a position where his every movement is watched, mimicked. He’s biking for 30 minutes a day, five days a week? Great, good for him. But imagine if he was praying for the destruction of the unholy Middle East during that time, or prostrate for pestilence, or floods. And imagine millions following his lead. Well, I daresay we’d be sharing birthday eggnog with Christ by years end, praise be.”

Not all so-called End Timers see the president’s preoccupation with physical conditioning in a negative light, however. While dispensationalists scour their well-thumbed holy books in search of any reference that could be interpreted as being synonymous with a “great leader, and lo he went on two wheels,” reconstructionists such as Pastor Billy Hahn Smith of the Edmonton, Virginia Church of Billy see the possibilities inherent in a well-musculatured congregation.

“You won’t accept Jesus? Well by golly, look at me kicking your ass,” said Pastor Smith as he took time from his weekly Youth Target-Shooting Clinic to talk with The Finite Times. “We beat your balls into the ‘saved’ column, you’ll thank us before all is said and done, you bet. Hold on… Scottie Williams, I want to see head shots on those targets there, son. Air condition them turbans!”

On one issue American fundamentalists are universally concerned: the God-fearing could become so God-damned tired from all the exercising that they may start to miss their Sunday brimstone and tithing sessions. This has fundamentalist ministries so worried that the American Counsel of Evangelical Churches, the main governing organization for American fundamentalists, on Monday announced the launch of a new line of energy drinks to be bottled by the Rapture Cola Company out of Byzantine, Kansas. Joinin’ Jesus Sports Shakes will be available later this summer in a variety of flavors, including Chosen Chocolate, Vanilla Pews and End Time Expresso.

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