Executioners Weigh In On Hussein Hanging

(FiniteTimes.com) – The 2007 League of Executing States Convention was supposed to be noteworthy mostly for its keynote speaker – President George W. Bush – but it was the methodology behind the termination of a Middle Eastern tyrant that took center stage.

“I find in general that juxtaposing the colors of skin and noose – for example, dark noose on a white man, white noose on a man of color – makes for a more stunning contrast,” said Mainza Lisulo, Executioner General for Zambia (hanging). “In these pictures I’ve seen, you have pasty-faced Saddam with a white noose… tsk tsk. It’s not aesthetically pleasing.”

While many convention-goers expressed misgivings that the event was taped and uploaded to the Internet, Sheikh Allama Bin Rasid Al Daheri, God’s Ultimate Vengence Sheikh (GUV-Sheikh) for the United Arab Emirates (beheading, stoning, firing squad), disagreed.

“Let it be seen far and wide, and send the message that God’s vengeance is swift in such matters as murder, drug smuggling and refusing to wear a veil,” said Sheikh Daheri. “They should have also used razor-wire for a noose, but eh, that’s just my personal preference, you know?”

For Kurshid Mehmood, the Minister of Capitol Punishment for Pakistan (stoning, hanging), the tape’s soundtrack was the most disturbing.

“This hooting and hollering in the background, the taunting, sloganizing… what is with this?” said Minister Mehmood. “Some noise, I can see. For example, we stone people to death for some crimes. This is a physical execution method, involving many – well, I call them ‘tennis grunts’ – that come from those doing the stoning. That is how a man should die, hearing a fading ‘ungh, ungh, ungh’ around him.”

“Or a ‘Zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap’, heh heh,” chimed in Chuck Faraday, Grand Imperial Executioner for the state of Nebraska and a member of the United States (lethal injection, electrocution, lethal gas, hanging, firing squad) delegation.

“They should have electrocuted the sumbitch,” Faraday said. “I just came from the ‘Brown Outs and You: An Executioner’s Guide’ symposium, and I gotta tell you, the electric problems them Iraqis have, Saddam would have been like a weenie forgotten on the grill: burnt on one side, raw on the other, heh heh.”

The League of Executing States Convention is held yearly to allow members to meet and discuss various execution methods, legal framings and other issues unique to their trade. This year’s convention– held at the Austin Ramada – featured George W. Bush entertaining attendees with light-hearted anecdotes concerning his years as the execution-record-breaking governor of Texas.

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