Religion admin on 12 Mar 2009 02:54 pm
Christian Ministries to Request Bailout Money
(FiniteTimes.com) – A coalition of Christian ministries has announced that they intend to move ahead with plans to request federal bailout money to prop up their financially-beleaguered churches. The request — rumored to be in the range of $450 billion — is expected to come as early as next week.
“The various churches that we represent have been hard-hit, Lord knows,” says Dr. Luther Cole, spokesman for The Lord’s Lobby, a religious lobbying group that is spearheading the bailout effort. “Catholic priests paying the little boys off. Fundie churches finding that people are getting real tight with their cash now that the End Times are nigh. Rick Warren just turning people right the hell off. Hallelujah! Can I get an amen and a big fucking check?”
If the bailout plan is approved — and there hasn’t been one yet that hasn’t — it would leave the federal government owning more than 23% of the Christian churches in the United States. This has some worried about the venerated tradition of the separation of church and state.
“It becomes problematic for me, not so much with the federal government assuming part ownership of my flock, but with the possible conditions that may be imposed after the fact,” says Baptist priest Everett Smithy. “There have been rumors that they have plans to tell us what we can and cannot preach. No Job when Obama is trying to be upbeat. No Genesis without also mentioning Peter Gabriel. No Kirk Cameron movies in any way, shape or form. This is all a bit troubling to me and many other religious leaders that I’ve talked to.”
Still, the lure of billions of dollars in free checks is a strong one for many in the struggling business of salvation.
“Give me a billion dollars, I can run our weekly bingo game for almost three months,” says Millie Howe, a church social events coordinator from Cleveland. “Another billion, it’s sneeze guards for the bibles. Another, little plastic Jesus key chains that light up so you don’t stub your Goddamn toe in the dark getting in your door.
“That money will go to good use,” Ms. Howe says. “We ain’t no bank, we’re Christians. We know all about money.”
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