The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Much to the surprise of no one here at The Finite Times, Israeli Development Minister Doron Moallem has announced that Israel’s recent incursions into Lebanon are not acts of aggression.

“We are merely breaking ground for the world’s largest Super Wal-Mart,” said Moallem at a recent press conference. “It will be incredible! There will be a garden center, and a kosher delicatessen, and a Briss Palace ®. We just closed that deal, actually.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – To the cheers of Jewish people the world-over, the Israeli Body Accounting Bureau (IBAB) has announced that for the first time in its history, Jews are starting to whittle away at the “Holocaust Gap.”

“Oy, we were in the hole pretty good after World War II. 5.7 million? That’s a lot of Jews,” said David Ayoob, IBAB spokesman. “But we’ve been slowly chipping away at it, what with the 7-Day War, Massad secret assassinations, and now our war with Hezbollah. I’m pleased to announce that today, the gap stands at 5.6 million.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Friends and associates of Heather Mills McCartney are labeling as ludicrous claims by a Mexican meteorologist that the former-Beatles’ back-up wife was responsible for the naming of the hurricane currently threatening the Baja peninsula.

“Heather would never stoop to something so low,” said Stubby Greer, a close friend of Lady McCartney who spent years traveling with her on the amputee fetish convention circuit. “She’s all lady. Well, excepting the 6% of her what’s pine.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – North Korea is expressing shock that its lavish celebration honoring American independence is being misinterpreted.

“We shoot up missiles, say ‘Happy Birthday, Uncle Sam!’” an announcer said on Pyongyang’s Korean Central Broadcast Station. “What we get for our troubles? Condi Rice threaten to hump us. No thank you sister!” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Israeli lawmakers today shocked the world by naming comedian Dave Chappell to the post of interim Prime Minister. The move comes after a pair of stokes effectively ended current Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s political career.

Menachem Gissin, a spokesman for the Prime Minister’s office, said Chappell was the unanimous choice of lawmakers after he publicly admitted that he was interested in the position. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Rumors of Fidel Castro’s intestinal surgery were shot down earlier this week when the Cuban dictator appeared in public sporting, oh, what’s the word?

Tits.

“To the Cuban people, I say, you have a new queen,” Mrs. Castro said in an official statement. “To the American oppressive forces, I say, okay, you basically suck, but your president has a very nice ass.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Researchers at the American Institute for Terrorism Studies have published their post-9/11 analysis of the so-called “9/11 effect,” and the results are creating a buzz from Washington to Wasit.

“Americans by and large were very supportive, very solemn on 9/11,” said chief researcher Dr. Charles Parrish. “Those in other countries ran the gamut from sort of supportive to encore, encore! It’s when we get into the sub-categories, like terrorists, that the numbers get really interesting.” Continue Reading »