The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – U.S. financial markets braced themselves for another crushing day of losses as Standard & Poor announced late Monday that it was downgrading the planet Earth.

“All those little countries out there, all the quibbling and squabbling and brinksmanship… I mean really, there is no common ground,” S&P said in a statement. “Try to cater a UN luncheon sometime and tell us how much the world’s people have in common.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – With the new US/Russia START treaty looking increasingly imperiled, Democrats in Congress are signaling their willingness to negotiate with Republicans over the matter by proposing that the entire US nuclear program be privatized.

“Construction, deployment, maintenance… right down the line, all overseen by private parties,” says one source close to high-ranking Senate Democrats. “Not only will this substantially save money and cut out government overhead, but our research has proven that, in private hands, we’ll be able to deploy twice the amount of missiles for about the same cost as our current program. Think orbital deterrent at basement prices.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The website WikiLeaks and its founder Julian Assange created waves this past weekend by releasing some 250,000 diplomatic cables that have been praised by free speech advocates and roundly condemned by the administration. While many of the more inflammatory items within the cables have been covered extensively in the media, The Finite Times has dug up some lesser-known tidbits that have gotten little if any play in the press. Our list of lesser-known WikiLeaks bits includes: Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – As the world watches in horror as the scope of the Haitian earthquake disaster becomes more and more known, one man is urging Haitians to embrace Jesus as a way to avoid the tragedy in the first place. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When the world’s tallest skyscraper opened Monday in Dubai, many assumed the 2717-foot tall structure was an homage to nationalism or a prideful icon to leader Sheikh Mohamed’s rule. The truth, it turns out, may be closer to just getting the hell out of Dodg…, er, Dubai. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – A Spanish special prosecutor known for legally reaching beyond his country’s borders has announced that he is considering an investigation into the United States’ new Attorney General, Eric Holder. But unlike past Spanish cases involving torture and other human rights violations, this investigation will center around something different: moose burgers.

“AG Holder wins an Alaskan sweepstakes, and two weeks later Mr. Stevens gets off? Amigo, that’s some cojones felleas there,” Spanish Magistrate Baltasar Garzon said Wednesday. “Does it reach the level of having your nipples clamped to a car battery? No, but the law is the law.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – President Bush today signed off on a plan to send analysts from the Department of Homeland Security to Iran for several weeks to assist in the implementation of a color-coded advisory system. While the United States uses such a system to alert its citizens to potential terrorist threats, the Iranians will be utilizing the technology for a different purpose.

“As you can see, right now it is on Green, or Low. And you can see right underneath it says No gays present. It is just as President Ahmadinejad said,” explained Iranian Cultural Affairs Secretary Ahmed Dabashi as he pointed to a large, color-coded graph behind him. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Mere days after getting the boot from Iraqi government officials for shooting and killing innocent civilians, security contractor Blackwater USA is acknowledging that it is currently in talks with Najaf province’s radical Sheikh Abdallah al-Sallad to take over security and training for the Sheik’s forces.

“We are currently talking with Sheikh al-Sallad about possibly doing some future contracted work, but nothing is set in stone at this point,” confirmed the North Carolina-based company. “Here at Blackwater, we focus purely on the profit, not the politics. If al-Sallad and his people can meet our price, we’ll be more than happy to hop aboard. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The 2007 League of Executing States Convention was supposed to be noteworthy mostly for its keynote speaker – President George W. Bush – but it was the methodology behind the termination of a Middle Eastern tyrant that took center stage.

“I find in general that juxtaposing the colors of skin and noose – for example, dark noose on a white man, white noose on a man of color – makes for a more stunning contrast,” said Mainza Lisulo, Executioner General for Zambia (hanging). “In these pictures I’ve seen, you have pasty-faced Saddam with a white noose… tsk tsk. It’s not aesthetically pleasing.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The world awoke Monday morning to the shocking news that North Korea has failed its previously-announced nuclear test.

“We up here in the great country of North Korea are very saddened that we have failed this test,” said a newscaster on North Korea’s official state news program, Good Morning Pyongyang!. “We studied long time, but test very hard.” Continue Reading »