The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – From rusty pickups to cherry Harleys to hulking Hummers, Earl’s Gun-Porium in Peachville, Georgia has seen a wide range of vehicles parked outside its camouflaged doors, but owner Earl LaMotte is still surprised by what’s been showing up in his parking spaces of late.

Volvos. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Energy is shaping up to be one of the primary issues that voters will be weighing this November, and the McCain campaign launched an intensive campaign this week to capture the energy vote with a plan they are calling “A Gusher On Every Plot.”

“Reliance on imported oil is weakening our ability to sweep into foreign countries and smack them with the freedom stick. My friends, this I will not allow,” Senator McCain said Wednesday at a Victory Rally in Fairfax, Virginia. “I aim to make sure that every decent American who wants to put an oil well in their back yard to help us drill drill drill our way to energy independence is rewarded by my administration for doing so.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Manny Alberez ripped open his morning paper to check on his horse stats, ball scores and pick-three numbers, his eyes quickly settled on a story that made his heart race like a wheel of fortune before ticking back to a more rhythmic beat.

“This guy in the south was suing the state because the big prize for a scratch ticket he bought had already been won,” Manny recalls. He was referring to business professor Scott Hoover, who this week announced he was suing the state of Virginia for breach of contract related to their “Beginner’s Luck” scratch tickets. “And I was thinking like wow, no chance? Those are crazy odds. And then I got what we in the gambling world call a boner.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Thirty years is a long time to wait between appetizer and entrée. Just ask Larry Elliot. In the early 1960’s, Elliot was an out-of-work hand model, forced to return to his native Missouri and an uncertain future.

“I used to do wart commercials and manly soap spots in Hollywood, but towards the end I was only getting stunt-hand jobs in second-rate porno projects,” Elliot said from his modest Missouri homeless shelter cubicle. “I thought, home has got to be better than this, but it weren’t.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Bob Pritchett first got the early morning call on April 15th, he thought someone was having him on.

“Here was this guy with a cowboy drawl saying, ‘Bobby Boy, I’m calling up your troops, prepare to get wet, heh heh,’ and I’m thinking yeah, right,” Pritchett recalled. “Then the photo-op crew showed up with their cameras and mics, and I knew my country needed me.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Less than 48 hours after first feeling the glorious weight of the Miss America tiara resting on her head, Oklahoma’s Lauren Nelson was out, stripped of her title and her dignity after a series of racy photos involving herself and a gang of midget gynecology students hit the Internet. Pageant officials wasted no time in naming a replacement.

“Ida Scrump is a remarkable woman, a pillar in her retirement community, and a fine, upstanding albeit slightly hunched-over individual,” said Sam Haskell, chairman of the Miss America Organization board. The 86-year-old Scrump beamed beside him. “We fully expect that she’ll be able to fulfill all of her obligations as Miss America, so long as said obligations don’t fall on Bingo Wednesdays.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – It was with, like, total shock that Sargent Daniel Rodriguez opened his Malibu army recruitment office Thursday to found a line of long-haired teens stretched around the block.

“It was like I was selling Quiet Riot tickets or something,” says the 50-year-old Rodriguez. “I got them all taken care of though and ended up the day 3000% over my recruitment goal for the month.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it plans to file suit in Los Angeles District Court to halt what it calls “misleading prisoner care.”

The lawsuit stems from the recent flight of suspected JonBenet Ramsey murderer John Mark Karr from Thailand back to the states to stand trial for the crime. During the flight, Karr was wined and dined in business class while a gaggle of press looked on. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Stationed just outside of Baghdad for the past 26 months, Corporal Emmitt Brown hasn’t seen his wife or young daughter since his deployment. Thanks to the Pentagon putting a new use to an old technology, however, he feels they are still very much a part of his daily life.

“See that little brown bar there? The longer it is, the worse her diaper is,” Corporal Brown says as he deftly manipulates the buttons on the small handheld device he holds. The device starts to gurgle and coo. “All set now, but boy, that was a nasty one. I forgot to bring her on patrol with me. Baaaaad daddy.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – One is a seasoned newsman, a veteran of numerous political campaigns, brought down by the very industry he covered for 40 years. The other is an ex-football player, struggling, searching to find the murderer of his beloved ex-wife, a murder for which he was wrongly accused. Together, they’re hooking up to create the most successful crime-fighting team since Starsky & Hutch.

Well, that’s what Bravo is hoping anyways. Provider of such ground-breaking reality programming as “Make Grandma a Ho” and “Dominatrix Dad,” Bravo has signed Dan Rather and O.J. “Juice-E” Simpson to star in a new reality-based show this fall that will be called “The Rather Juice-E Detective Agency.” Continue Reading »