The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – U.S. financial markets braced themselves for another crushing day of losses as Standard & Poor announced late Monday that it was downgrading the planet Earth.

“All those little countries out there, all the quibbling and squabbling and brinksmanship… I mean really, there is no common ground,” S&P said in a statement. “Try to cater a UN luncheon sometime and tell us how much the world’s people have in common.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Just a day after joining his Senate colleague Tom Coburn in an announcement of a bipartisan plan to save Medicare, Joe Lieberman was again in front of the Capitol Hill press corps to reveal his plan to fix the deficit.

“You and I know that everyone making $10,000 a year, from Alabama to Wyoming, secretly knows they will one day be millionaires. It’s the American way,” Lieberman said. “Why else would they be voting for a Republican party that so poorly represents their interests?
Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Possible Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump waded deeper into the so-called “birther” controversy by suggesting in an interview Saturday that the president might not have born at all. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin announced Monday that she would be seeking a restraining order against the Turner Broadcasting System’s CNN.com for “excessive and repeated violation of [her] right to privacy.”

“The lamestream media has been heavily on my back, but these guys at CNN.com, sheesh!” Palin posted on her Facebook page. “I got staff leaving, that’s a story. Every Twitter toot I make, a story. Every poll, a story. Every time I get on a plane, a story. Get a room, CNN.com!” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Soon-to-be House Speaker John Boehner got an early Christmas present Tuesday in the form of a little balsam training gavel. The gavel was presented to him at a Republican caucus luncheon thrown by lobbyists at a local popular DC restaurant, the Rutting Boar.

“I’m just so honored, I’m almost beyond words,” Boehner said, his voice breaking as two large tears rolled down his cheeks. “Thank you, thank you. I love you all like I was gay.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The website WikiLeaks and its founder Julian Assange created waves this past weekend by releasing some 250,000 diplomatic cables that have been praised by free speech advocates and roundly condemned by the administration. While many of the more inflammatory items within the cables have been covered extensively in the media, The Finite Times has dug up some lesser-known tidbits that have gotten little if any play in the press. Our list of lesser-known WikiLeaks bits includes: Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – One of the recurring claims that has hounded tea partiers across the country over the past few months is that the movement has a thread of racism woven through to its core. Several regional tea party organizations have banded together to refute this claim in an innovative way. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – With top kill a dismal failure and cut & cap still an unknown in-progress, a source close to BP says that the company has decided upon yet another strategy to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, and is even now hurriedly building what the source is calling “a sure-fire solution”. Continue Reading »

Ted Turner this week won the right to 88 bison from a faltering Montana program designed to protect the animals. An overjoyed Turner immediately set to work “improving” the bison, releasing the above photo that he is calling “Colorized Cow, 1″.

(FiniteTimes.com) – A source at the Oklahoma governor’s office has confirmed to The Finite Times that the state will be the first in the union to officially sanction the so-called “Birther” belief that President Obama was born in Kenya by issuing a special commemorative license plate.

“There has been a lot of call for something like this, so we’re only giving into what our most vocal Oklahomans seem to want,” said an aide to Governor Brad Henry. “If President Obama wishes to clear any of this up by producing the long version of his birth certificate, we’d be happy to add a note mentioning that on the back of the plate.” Continue Reading »