The Finite Times

Washington, DC (FiniteTimes.com) – Due to the Virginia Tech shooting tragedy, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez has been granted an additional two days to prepare for his testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee. It is time, experts believe, that he may be using to consider an unconventional testimonial strategy. Continue Reading »

New York, NY (FiniteTimes.com) – Lost in the racially-charged pile-on over remarks radio personality Don Imus made last week, the angry cries from the New York Prostitution Union (NYPU) echo the message being put forth by larger groups like the National Association of Black Journalists and the NAACP: Imus must go. Continue Reading »

New York, NY (FiniteTimes.com) – The host of ABC’s Emmy-winning hit show Extreme Makeover, Home Edition confirmed Wednesday that the show would soon be enlisting an army of workmen to wage war on a very special target. Continue Reading »

Hollywood, Florida (FiniteTime.com) – Investigators looking into the death of Anna Nicole Smith admitted Friday that they were comparing notes with investigators looking into the attempted kidnapping and murder case involving astronaut Lisa Nowak. Continue Reading »

Washington, DC (FiniteTimes.com) – Republican lawmakers on Capitol Hill Tuesday were applauding the news that President Bush’s 2.9 trillion dollar budget would actually come in lower than originally predicted. Continue Reading »

Punxsutawney, PA (FiniteTimes.com) – The spokesman for perennial spring prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil is lashing out at the Bush administration, claiming that bureaucrats from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration approached him late last year and offered him a “grant” to skew this year’s Groundhog Day results. Punxsutawney Tourism and Travel Coordinator Roger Peterson’s claims appear in this month’s issue of Science Magazine. Continue Reading »

Miami, FL (FiniteTimes.com) – Officials for the National Football League publicly rebuked Senator Joseph Biden Saturday for “outing” a Senator Barack Obama Ivory soap ad that is scheduled to air during the Super Bowl. Continue Reading »

Washington, DC (FiniteTimes.com) – Seeking to stem the flood of negative testimony their client is facing in his perjury and obstruction of justice trial, attorneys for former White House aide I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby have announced that veteran actor George Takei will be joining their defense team. Takei’s primary responsibility will be the closing argument. Continue Reading »

Manhattan, New York (FiniteTimes.com) – While court-watchers were not surprised when Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty to beaning her maid in the head with a BlackBerry last March, the sentence she received for her perfect pitch left many scratching their heads. Continue Reading »

Richmond, VA (CAP) – Rumsfeld-admirers the world over awoke Monday to the welcome news that their hero had landed on his feet with the acceptance of a new position: Cubmaster of Richmond Scout Pack 427. Continue Reading »