The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Perennial presidential tease Sarah Palin was briefly detained and released Friday night by Boston police after a Fenway Park incident which resulted in a 15-minute delay of the Athletics/Red Sox game. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Conventional wisdom holds that if you fall off a bike, you get right back up on it, and Lance Armstrong has embraced this advice wholly with his announcement today that he’ll be playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers this fall. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – In a stunning move, sources are telling The Finite Times that the city of Vancouver has approached Washington, DC about possibly hosting the 2010 Winter Olympic Games that are slated to open this Friday. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The quest for good PR can sometimes produce some unusual bedfellows, a point borne out this week with the announcement that tennis great Serena Williams and South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson would be launching an initiative to help angry famous people get counseling.

“The Icon Rage Management Alliance (IRMA) will help those in the spotlight with some of the unique anger issues that they, we, face,” Wilson said at a press conference announcing the joint venture. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – As the speculation over who Arizona Senator John McCain will pick as his Vice Presidential running mate winds down, a surprising dark horse is emerging as a real contender for the prize.

“A national hero on the ticket would help McCain out immensely,” said one RNC staffer. “Who’s the latest American hero, the man whose hard work and perseverance have most recently shown the American can-do spirit? The golden boy himself, Michael Phelps.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Part pollock, part Polack, was how Edna Jamanski’s father Tom affectionately referred to her growing up. A plucky little pale toddler, Edna Jamanski took to the water like a fish to a deep fryer. At eight she was consistently racking up swimming awards at school and camp competitions. By ten she was setting national records for holding her breath under water. Then her life completely changed in 2005, when on her 15th birthday, her parents took her to see her first synchronized swimming meet. She was instantly hooked.

“I had just started coaching a new team out of Binghamton at that point, and I remember the moment I met Edna quite well,” says Susan Jackson, Edna Jamanski’s former coach and mentor. “She bent my ear for the better part of two hours after that meet, and I eventually relented and agreed to see what she could do in the water. I’ve never seen such raw talent before, particularly in someone so young. It was simply amazing!” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – In a sign that her campaign is changing tactics and embracing the “underdog” meme, Hillary Clinton is reaching out to another recent underdog for help in turning her political fortunes around: New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning.

“My friend and fellow New Yorker Eli showed that you never give up when a large black man is barreling towards you. You scramble out of the pocket and make something happen,” Clinton told a cheering crowd at the El Paso Chuck E. Cheese on Sunland Park Drive. “Well, now it’s fourth and long and I’m looking downfield for Texas and Ohio!” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Rumors have been swirling around Bill Murray since his arrest here last month on a suspicion of driving a golf cart under the influence. Would the aging SNL alum be the next celeb to succumb to the temptations of drink and drugs?

“At the time I had signed this non-disclosure thing, so I really couldn’t talk about it,” Murray recently told The Finite Times entertainment reporter Consuelo Jones. “But since you and other members of the press know about it, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. So, yes, I was pretty shit-faced, but it was all research for an upcoming role.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – It seemed like a no-lose situation: stick the president in bicycle shorts on Saturday and send him off to Maryland to tout the benefits of physical exercise. As the White House was learning by Monday morning, in politics there is no such thing as a no-lose situation.

“Should we be concentrating on beefing up the body, or the soul?” asked the Reverend Ainsley B. Harcott of the Altoona, Pennsylvania Altoona Bible Church. “If it’s the soul, a few reps of gay bashing should be sufficient to tone up the eternal spirit. I certainly don’t remember Jesus popping a wheelie or Adam doing aerobics. Not in my Bible, they didn’t. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – News that Starr Jones Reynolds has packed back on the pounds and is pursuing a career with the Negro Sumo Wrestling League has the entertainment industry abuzz.

“I don’t think anyone here is too surprised,” Barbara Walters told The Finite Times yesterday post-View. “No one on my staff dared to get anywhere near a donut when Starr was in her tubby prime.” Continue Reading »