The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Opponents of a Gainsville church’s plans to burn Qurans this weekend are claiming a small degree of victory after the church’s controversial pastor said that their plans have changed.

“We will no long be burning Qurans,” says the Reverend Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Center. “We’ll be microwaving them instead. Irradiating them with the love of Christ. I’m thinking on high for 90 seconds each will put a little of the warmth of hell into radical Islam.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – As the world watches in horror as the scope of the Haitian earthquake disaster becomes more and more known, one man is urging Haitians to embrace Jesus as a way to avoid the tragedy in the first place. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – A coalition of Christian ministries has announced that they intend to move ahead with plans to request federal bailout money to prop up their financially-beleaguered churches. The request — rumored to be in the range of $450 billion — is expected to come as early as next week.

“The various churches that we represent have been hard-hit, Lord knows,” says Dr. Luther Cole, spokesman for The Lord’s Lobby, a religious lobbying group that is spearheading the bailout effort. “Catholic priests paying the little boys off. Fundie churches finding that people are getting real tight with their cash now that the End Times are nigh. Rick Warren just turning people right the hell off. Hallelujah! Can I get an amen and a big fucking check?” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today called upon the United States to pay homage to its alleged Christian roots by replacing George Washington on the $1 bill with a more appropriate image, that of Jesus Christ.

The plea surprised some political analysts, who had assumed that McCain’s reference to the U.S. as a ‘Christian nation’ in a recent Beliefnet interview was nothing more than pandering to the base. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The tired building with its chipped-brick façade is about as Off-Off Broadway as you can get, but the tassels don’t swing with any less energy, the sequins aren’t secured with any less glue. It is Demillo’s Theater, longtime home to the Shanghai She-Male Review, a staple in this neighborhood where stripped cars and crack house tenements are the norm. In its long history, it has bore witness to many a strange oddity, but the Jerry Falwell pee stain may just trump them all. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – While Lynchburg investigators have not officially charged anyone in the sudden death of evangelist and Liberty University founder Jerry Falwell, they have announced that they are holding for questioning Dave Thompson, the actor who played Tinky Winky in the children’s show, Teletubbies.

“At this point in time, he’s a character actor of interest, nothing more,” said Lynchburg Police Department spokeswoman Wanda Levitt. “We’ve placed him near the scene of the crime, and he certainly has motive. There was also incriminating evidence at the scene, but I can’t get more into that at this time.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – It seemed like a no-lose situation: stick the president in bicycle shorts on Saturday and send him off to Maryland to tout the benefits of physical exercise. As the White House was learning by Monday morning, in politics there is no such thing as a no-lose situation.

“Should we be concentrating on beefing up the body, or the soul?” asked the Reverend Ainsley B. Harcott of the Altoona, Pennsylvania Altoona Bible Church. “If it’s the soul, a few reps of gay bashing should be sufficient to tone up the eternal spirit. I certainly don’t remember Jesus popping a wheelie or Adam doing aerobics. Not in my Bible, they didn’t. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – They were milling about the sidewalk when Summit County Clerk of Courts Diana Zaleski arrived at work Monday morning, a small group of diminutive men with pale skin and dark clothing.

“At first I thought they were a wandering troupe of mimes, but then one burned himself with his mugwort smudge stick and swore,” Ms. Zaleski recalled. “Not with his hands swore, but verbally swore. Then I knew they weren’t mimes.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Pat Robertson recently claimed to have leg-pressed 2000 pounds, G.O.D. was silent. When Pat Robertson credited this improbably feat not to some divine spotter, but to his own diet shake ($17.95/pound, available wherever tubby evangelicals congregate), G.O.D. held a press conference.

“We here at the Global Organization of Denominations just find it incredibly tacky,” said G.O.D. spokesman Hugh Levitt. “Could you imagine Jesus out humping Mary Magdalene commemorative watches, or crown of thorn beer hats? Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Typographical errors are to blame for the Southern Baptist Convention’s recent vote to outlaw “day marriage.”

“The printer messed up, but everyone who voted knew what they were voting on,” said SBC spokesman Cletus Jones. “No homo marriage, that’s what they were voting on.” Continue Reading »