The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Manny Alberez ripped open his morning paper to check on his horse stats, ball scores and pick-three numbers, his eyes quickly settled on a story that made his heart race like a wheel of fortune before ticking back to a more rhythmic beat.

“This guy in the south was suing the state because the big prize for a scratch ticket he bought had already been won,” Manny recalls. He was referring to business professor Scott Hoover, who this week announced he was suing the state of Virginia for breach of contract related to their “Beginner’s Luck” scratch tickets. “And I was thinking like wow, no chance? Those are crazy odds. And then I got what we in the gambling world call a boner.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Thirty years is a long time to wait between appetizer and entrée. Just ask Larry Elliot. In the early 1960’s, Elliot was an out-of-work hand model, forced to return to his native Missouri and an uncertain future.

“I used to do wart commercials and manly soap spots in Hollywood, but towards the end I was only getting stunt-hand jobs in second-rate porno projects,” Elliot said from his modest Missouri homeless shelter cubicle. “I thought, home has got to be better than this, but it weren’t.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Keith Richards revealed to the world earlier this week that he had snorted some of his father’s ashes in 2002, many were appalled, although not really surprised. To a select few, Richards was less a depraved aging rocker and more a kindred spirit.

“I was sitting in my apartment, toking up on Mom, when I heard,” recalls “Marci”, a middle-aged housewife from Encino. Five years ago she managed to sneak into a nearby mortuary and shave her deceased mother’s head. She’s been enjoying a nightly hair/reefer treat ever since. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Apparently it wasn’t the cat that got out of the sack when President Bush made fun of visually-impaired journalist Peter Wallsten at a recent Rose Garden press conference.

“I kinda let the colonoscopy out of the bag there,” Bush chuckled at a party to announce the publication of his latest book, “Cripple Quips: The Really Funny Humor of George W. Bush.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – President Bush on Monday launched his own proposal that would make gay marriage illegal, but even the most rabid of right-wing ideologues are scratching their heads at the way he’s chosen to go about it.

“It looks like he’s trying to blend the two issues, marry them if you will, in order to assure passage of both,” Colvis Community College Professor Bill Mincer told The Finite Times Infogayment Editor Greta Von Cistern. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Stockbridge resident Ida Montgomery heard last week that an original Norman Rockwell painting had been discovered in the wall of deceased illustrator Donald Trachte’s former home, her first thought was “Donald who?”

Her second thought concerned the loose board in the wall of her outhouse. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – As he does every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his Pennsylvania burrow and sought his shadow. This year, he saw it, meaning six more years of winter. Then he saw the multiple shadows of law enforcement personnel, meaning indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

The post-ceremonial arrest of Punxsutawney Phil capped off a three month investigation by federal agents from the FBI and US Marshals that also nabbed such second tier groundhogs as Springfield Sam, Bangor Bob and Cincinnati Sue. All are being held for engaging in terrorist activities under the Patriot Act. Continue Reading »