Category ArchiveLiving
Living & U.S. admin on 08 Jul 2008
Pathological Gamblers Flock to Buy No-Chance Tickets
When Manny Alberez ripped open his morning paper to check on his horse stats, ball scores and pick-three numbers, his eyes quickly settled on a story that made his heart race like a wheel of fortune before ticking back to a more rhythmic beat.
“This guy in the south was suing the state because the big prize for a scratch ticket he bought had already been won,” Manny recalled. He was referring to business professor Scott Hoover, who this week announced he was suing the state of Virginia for breach of contract related to their Beginner’s Luck scratch tickets.
“And I was thinking like, wow, no chance?” Alberez continued. “Those are crazy odds. And then I got what we in the gambling world call a boner.”
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Living & U.S. admin on 07 Jul 2007
Eagle Delisting a Boon for Homeless Chef
Thirty years is a long time to wait between appetizer and entrée. Just ask Larry Elliot. In the early 1960’s, Elliot was an out-of-work hand model, forced to return to his native Missouri and an uncertain future.
“I used to do wart commercials and manly soap spots in Hollywood, but towards the end I was only getting stunt-hand jobs in second-rate porno projects,” Elliot said from his modest Missouri homeless shelter cubicle. “I thought, home has got to be better than this, but it weren’t.”
Homeless and hungry, Elliot turned to scavenging for his meals, subsisting on dumpster dives and road-kill ratatouille for sustenance. It was a bleak culinary existence, a dining depression that kept hitting low after low. Then one, day, all that changed.
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Entertainment & Living admin on 04 Apr 2007
Rolling Stone’s Family Reunions a Smorgasbord
When Keith Richards revealed to the world that he had snorted some of his father’s ashes in 2002, many were appalled, although not really surprised. To a select few, Richards was less a depraved aging rocker and more a kindred spirit.
“I was sitting in my apartment, toking up on Mom, when I heard,” recalls Marci, a middle-aged housewife from Encino. Five years ago she managed to sneak into a nearby mortuary and shave her deceased mother’s head. She’s been enjoying a nightly hair/reefer treat ever since.
“I can’t explain the sense of peace I get, sharing a smoke with Mom,” Marci says. Her expression turns serious as she eyes the bright, shiny shovel leaning in a far corner of the room. “My stash is actually getting quite low. Not sure what I’m going to do.”
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Living & Politics admin on 16 Jun 2006
Bush Book Celebrates Handicap Humor
Apparently it wasn’t the cat that got out of the sack when President Bush made fun of visually-impaired journalist Peter Wallsten at a recent Rose Garden press conference.
“I kinda let the colonoscopy out of the bag there,” Bush chuckled at a party to announce the publication of his latest book, “Cripple Quips: The Really Funny Humor Of George W. Bush.”
“The President was trying out new material for the second volume of his ‘Cripple Quips’ series,” said Press Secretary Tony Snow on Monday. “And for those who feel it is inappropriate, get over it. So the man lost two eyes, big deal. Two: it’s just a number.”
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Living & Politics & U.S. admin on 06 Jun 2006
Bush Backs Fairy-Marriage Ban
President Bush on Monday launched his own proposal that would make gay marriage illegal, but even the most rabid of right-wing ideologues are scratching their heads at the way he’s chosen to go about it.
“It looks like he’s trying to blend the two issues, marry them if you will, in order to assure passage of both,” Colvis Community College Professor Bill Mincer told CAP News Infogayment Editor Greta Von Cistern.
Stealing heavily from the various immigration bills preparing to cockfight-it-out on Capitol Hill, President Bush is proposing an alternative to the gay marriage amendment, a multi-point plan to combat homo-betrothal that will include:
- The deployment of the National Guard to secure all churches and town clerk offices.
- The building of a big fence around San Francisco.
- Steep fines for any florists, photographers, caterers or DJ’s that agree to work at gay wedding receptions.
- A tax cut for millionaires.
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Living admin on 11 Apr 2006
Norman Rockwell, The Dark Side
When Stockbridge resident Ida Montgomery heard last week that an original Norman Rockwell painting had been discovered in the wall of deceased illustrator Donald Trachte’s former home, her first thought was “Donald who?”
Her second thought concerned the loose board in the wall of her outhouse.
“Oh, I keep it around out of nostalgia. Occasionally I’ll take a dump out there, or guests will. It’s like an amusement ride,” Ms. Montgomery told CAP News. After prattling on about the damn outhouse for another half-hour or so, Ms. Montgomery finally got in the general vicinity of a point.
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Living & Politics & U.S. & Weather admin on 08 Feb 2006
Punxsutawney Phil Gitmo Bound
As he does every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his Pennsylvania burrow and sought his shadow. This year, he saw it, meaning six more weeks of winter.
Then he saw the multiple shadows of law enforcement personnel, meaning indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.
The post-ceremonial arrest of Punxsutawney Phil capped off a three month investigation by federal agents from the FBI and US Marshals that also nabbed such second tier groundhogs as Springfield Sam, Bangor Bob and Cincinnati Sue. All are being held for engaging in terrorist activities under the Patriot Act.
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