The Finite Times

Him knows health…

(FiniteTimes.com) – Eager to recapture the edge in its ongoing battle with the administration over health care reform, congressional Republicans have unveiled their own version of the so-called public option that they claim will save money and provide instant relief to millions of uninsured Americans.

“We call it Let Us Help Us, and we think it will revolutionize the way we seek health care in this country,” Senator Kit Bond, one of the initiative’s authors, told reports at a press conference today. “It embraces the essence of the free market system, without the oppressive hand of government regulation. No socialism! And the beauty is: anyone can be a part of it. Anyone can submit an ailment to be bid on.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – In a stunning reversal, the Obama administration today admitted that the so-called “death panel” that Republican operatives have been railing against for the past couple of weeks is still very much on the health care reform table. To underscore its commitment to the concept, a familiar face from the past has been elevated to the position of the nation’s first “Death Czar.”

“Dr. Jack Kevorkian has been a compassionate advocate for end-of-life issues for going-on-decades now, and I will be pleased to welcome him into my cabinet as this nation’s first Secretary of the Department of Conditional Aging (DCA),” President Obama announced at a short morning press conference. While Kevorkian was not present at the conference, President Obama hailed him as a man of “limitless integrity, technical proficiency, and just an American over-brimming with the right snuff [sic].”
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(FiniteTimes.com) – It’s become a campaign staple of McCain/Palin rallies. Amidst the hoarse cries of Terrorist!, Money spreaderer! and Kill him! arise the chants, starting low and building to an intoxicating frenzy: “Drill baby, drill. Drill baby, drill!”

It’s been one of the few aspects of the campaign that has consistently not exploded in McCain and Palin’s faces, but a lawsuit filed this week in DC Superior Court could well stifle the rallying cry and rob the campaign of one of its most potent, non-negative tools. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – As she struggles to address inconsistencies in her recent accounts on Bosnia, Northern Ireland and NAFTA, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is now facing a new assault on her veracity. The Finite Times has uncovered proof that her latest recollections dealing with her efforts to reform health care in 1992 might not be completely accurate.

“It was a war, it really was. We even had to set up a War Room in June of ’93 to handle it,” Hillary Clinton told a gathering of the Indiana Young Republicans this week. “I remember going up to Capitol Hill to testify, and we circled the building a few times because they said roving bands of Congressmen had been known to frequent the area. We had to duck and make a mad dash for the main entrance, all while rotten vegetables rained down around us. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The campaign of Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton announced today that the candidate has joined a Borg collective. The announcement confirms rumors that have been circulating since pictures showing Clinton as a Borg began appearing two weeks ago.

“A vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton is a vote for the collective,” says Clinton spokeswoman Marcia St. John from Clinton’s new big square campaign headquarters in New York City. “You’re not just getting one mind with Hillary, you’re getting a whole bunch of them, able to embrace all aspects of an issue simultaneously. Eat that, Barack.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – In a move designed to counter criticism over its veto of a $35 billion expansion of the State Children’s Health Insurance Program, the Bush administration today announced plans to enact sweeping changes to the existing child labor provisions of the Fair Labor Standards Act.

“The question should not be Is our childrens getting gooder insurance through the government, but How can our childrens gets gooder private insurance, and I think the answer to that is simple: get a job,” President Bush told a group of kids at the Fort Meade, Daycare Division facility.

The State Health for Employed Minors Program (SHEMP) would give tax breaks to businesses that hire workers as young as 8 years old to work 32-36 hour work weeks, provided that the companies also cover the younger workers for major medical and dental insurance.

Businesses had lobbied hard to move the work hours up to the standard 40-hour week, but in the end had settled for the 32-36 number in exchange for a much-reduced orthodontia clause.

“We see it as a win-win all around,” said Stu Mengele, chairman of the Business Interest Group, a Washington-based corporate think-tank and lobbying firm. “We’ll have more high-energy laborers – seriously, have you seen them zip around a playground? The tax cuts will promote business growth across the board.

“And several million kids will have insurance to cover them for any on-the-job injuries they might stumble into,” Mengele added. “Everyone wins!”

Democrats in Congress have publicly expressed misgivings about key aspects of SHEMP, and it is expected that they will complain loudly before signing the program into law.

“Does SHEMP cover naps? Snacks? How about recess? Will IBM be installing swings and a slide adjacent to every break room?” asked a flustered Nancy Pelosi recently on the House floor. “I don’t have the power to stop it, but I will damn sure pencil any concerns I have into the margins of anything coming from the President’s desk.

“Anything!” she repeated defiantly.

Both chambers of Congress are expected to begin debate on the program sometime later this month.

(FiniteTimes.com) – The tainted pet food scare that has resulted in the recall of some 5500 pet food-related products took an unexpected turn on Thursday when officials at the FDA warned of a possible increased danger from “puffing”.

“In many instances the food used by so-called ‘puffers’ could be old because it’s been hoarded, or stolen from poor pets, or found in a dumpster, which is where you would expect to find a lot of these tainted brands,” said the FDA’s Dr. Stephen Henry. “We would urge teens not, I repeat not, to puff these products, as it takes an already dangerous activity and makes it even more so.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Famous for the on-air colonoscopy she underwent a few years ago, Katie Couric had a couple of more points she wanted to make on her final Today show broadcast Wednesday. But age – and gravity – intervened.

“She wanted to close out with an on-air breast exam,” said associate producer Sarah Fletcher. “Because of the nature of such an exam, her full breasts would have been exposed. Unfortunately she was having a bad tit day. The puppies just weren’t so perky.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The spinach/E. coli outbreak currently sweeping across the country took an unexpected twist yesterday when representatives of the State Department and FDA pointed fingers at an unlikely source: the Taliban.

“In an effort to cut down on poppy production in Afghanistan, we ‘convinced’ farmers to take up other crops,” FDA Assistant Secretary of Vegetables Hugh Lexor said at yesterday’s press conference. “One of those crops was indeed spinach. We are currently looking into the possibility that this Afghan spinach, manufactured under the name Qurapp Ai, is responsible for the recent E. coli situation.” Continue Reading »