The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – The present administration announced today that it is preparing to release another round of potentially embarrassing torture memos, perhaps as early as next week. These new memos claim to show the extent to which the Bush administration was willing to go to garner acceptance for its “enhanced interrogation techniques”, both in the present and the future.

“They say that history is written by the victor? Well, in this case, the attempt was to see the future written by Doctor Seuss,” says Charles Seymour, head of the independent Children’s Literature Anti-Political Initiative (CLAPI). “This was a shameful attempt to pervert an entire generation into accepting torture and inoculating it to believe torture to be OK.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The world awoke Monday morning to the shocking news that North Korea has failed its previously-announced nuclear test.

“We up here in the great country of North Korea are very saddened that we have failed this test,” said a newscaster on North Korea’s official state news program, Good Morning Pyongyang!. “We studied long time, but test very hard.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was center-stage Tuesday when he gave the commencement speech at the 12th graduation of the Cleveland Clown College.

“Am I happy to be here? Yes I am. Did I ship off to Gitmo the idiot who tried to make me do this with grease paint on? Yes I did,” Rumsfeld told the brightly-colored crowd. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Sporting a stunning gray Versace suit combo and surrounded by men wearing guns, Laura Bush on Tuesday launched her “Help an Illiterate Find a Book!” initiative before a packed Scranton Public Library gathering. It’s the First Lady’s first public initiative since her 2002 “My Pet Goat: So Good You Can’t Put It Down!” campaign.

“Pity the poor illiterate,” Mrs. Bush, a former librarian, told the gathered reporters, dignitaries and loyal Republican illiterates. “It’s one thing to not be able to read a book, but imagine not even being able to pick one out to try? No more,” Mrs. Bush said, gently pounding the podium. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Quick to follow up on President Bush’s call earlier this week to “get help for our embattled schoolagers,” the White House has fired the first shot in what they are calling the War On The War On Our Schools.

“I’m here today to implore all would-be school shooters: don’t Swiss cheese our kids, come to work for us,” Army recruiter Rock Mullette told a packed Dayton auditorium on Wednesday. The crowd’s silence was not a condemnation of Recruiter Mullette’s message, but a testament to the constrictive nature of body armor. Continue Reading »