The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – When it first splashed onto the big screen in the mid-1970’s, Star Wars was not only a box-office sensation, but also one of the first movies to generate a product tie-in campaign that was worth millions of dollars. While items such as the Luke Skywalker Lunch Box or the Princess Leia Galactic Berets have become highly sought-after treasures on the collectors circuit, others faltered out of the gate, forever lurking in obscurity, awaiting a second chance at fame.

Items like the Darth Vader Doily. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) today announced that it was preparing to file suit against the state of Minnesota over last week’s Minneapolis bridge collapse that killed at least five people.

“We have no joy going forward with this suit, and our strong condolences go out to the families of everyone who lost their lives in this terrible incident,” said RIAA spokesman Jonathan Lamy. “But we feel that a copyright under our protection has been violated, and we are going to fight to assure that said copyright is honored.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Four decades of fast food clowning teetered on the edge of irrelevance yesterday when it was revealed that longtime McDonald’s spokesman Ronald McDonald was also pitching drug paraphernalia in the 1960’s. The revelation appears in Subway spokesman Jared Fogel’s new autobiography, “Porn and Pickle Chips: My College Years,” which hits bookstores June 1.

“One day I was hanging out with Ronald, and we were drinking Sangria, I think,” Jared writes. “Ronald gets so hammered that he starts to tell me this story about the 60’s, about how he was not only working on fast food commercials, but was also Ronald McBongLoad, the pitchman for a Venice head shop called Toke ‘N Choke. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Less than a week after being unveiled at Disney’s annual shareholder’s meeting in New Orleans, the company’s first black princess is already learning that, to paraphrase a famous frog, it ain’t easy being first.

“It took 84 years to realize Princess Maddy. I expect it may take a few weeks more to work out all the kinks,” says Greg Provist, Disney’s Vice President in charge of franchise development. “Compared to the suicide bombings we had to contend with when we created Jasmine without a burqa, this is nothing.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Rudy McNamara received his Ann Coulter doll in the mail from eBay, he knew exactly what he wanted it to do.

“I wanted it to bitch at liberals, call ‘em moronistic and fag lovers and what not,” McNamara said from his home in Bent Handle, Texas. “What I actually got was something pretty different.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – A veteran of the Washington convenience store circuit, Alexi Ulyokov knows his business well enough to stock accordingly whenever a holiday rolls over the Capitol city. After years of running the Federal 40’s & Filtered Butts Bodega on 15th Street, he never has problems with running out of stock.

This year, however, was different. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Much to the surprise of no one here at The Finite Times, Israeli Development Minister Doron Moallem has announced that Israel’s recent incursions into Lebanon are not acts of aggression.

“We are merely breaking ground for the world’s largest Super Wal-Mart,” said Moallem at a recent press conference. “It will be incredible! There will be a garden center, and a kosher delicatessen, and a Briss Palace ®. We just closed that deal, actually.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The Omaha-based Acme Widget Company is applauding the fact that they will only lose $296 million this year, down from a former prediction of $423 million.

“I’m ecstatic!” said Acme CEO Robert Edwardson. He spoke to The Finite Times at a special Omaha block party organized to celebrate the shortfall, the fourth largest in company history. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com)) – Evan Jameson walks the corridors of his large, Milwaukee warehouse, his footsteps echoing in the vast space. He’s spent the past few days holed up here, walking and reminiscing.

“This time of day, this warehouse used to be a bustle of activity. Fork lift operators, dock workers, sphere inspectors, school tours… them damn scientists ended all that,” Jameson said, his voice choked with emotion. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – IBM, one of the most recognizable acronyms in the world, announced today that it was looking into the possibility of selling one of its letters. The official announcement did not specify which one might be on the block, but several companies were scrambling to take advantage of this development.

Abercrombie & Fitch was one of the first companies to make an offer. The upscale clothing store chain has long sought to get more ghetto in an effort to appeal to affluent white teens, and by purchasing the “B”, Abercrombie & Bitch might just meet its goals. This would of course allow them to sell their “F”, which the Electronic Arts Corporation is pursuing. This in turn would put an “S” on the market, which both Psi Energy Inc. and EXX Incorporated are vying for. Continue Reading »