The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – U.S. financial markets braced themselves for another crushing day of losses as Standard & Poor announced late Monday that it was downgrading the planet Earth.

“All those little countries out there, all the quibbling and squabbling and brinksmanship… I mean really, there is no common ground,” S&P said in a statement. “Try to cater a UN luncheon sometime and tell us how much the world’s people have in common.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – With top kill a dismal failure and cut & cap still an unknown in-progress, a source close to BP says that the company has decided upon yet another strategy to stop the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, and is even now hurriedly building what the source is calling “a sure-fire solution”. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – While British Petroleum has been getting nothing but bad press lately over it’s oil well problems in the Gulf of Mexico, an announcement on Thursday by the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) may put a little silver in the lining of what has been a bad month. According to OPEC, BP is the winner of this year’s Gusher of the Year Flow Award (or Floward, as it has come to be called). And in a bit of irony, they win this recognition with the same well that is currently filling the Gulf with oil and their boardroom with headaches. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When the world’s tallest skyscraper opened Monday in Dubai, many assumed the 2717-foot tall structure was an homage to nationalism or a prideful icon to leader Sheikh Mohamed’s rule. The truth, it turns out, may be closer to just getting the hell out of Dodg…, er, Dubai. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – An already disastrous ad campaign by fast food giant McDonald’s restaurant chain got worse yesterday when competitor Burger King filed suit in New York District Court for infringement of marketing space. In a 12-page complaint filed with the court, Burger King charges that McDonald’s “… infringed upon the plaintiff’s rights to secure primary and exclusive placement of its products with a major media property.”

“My client owns the Star Trek franchise in terms of fast food product tie-ins, in both this movie and in two future, to-be-released titles,” said lead attorney Joshua Abrams outside the courthouse. “They signed a contract, paid out a lot of money, and they’ll be damned if some burger-slinging clown is going to piss all over that, pardon my jurisprudence.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – In a surprise move, a group representing insurance agencies and the insurance industry has announced that it will be launching an effort later this month to legalize marijuana. The Directorate of Insurance Executives says that the time has come for a more measured federal approach to marijuana regulations.

“Our jails are filled with young men and women who’s only crime has been the wrapping up and smoking of what for millennia was a simple ditch weed,” says Emmanuel Smith, head of the New York-based group. “Our studies have shown that short and intermediate term use of marijuana is not harmful, and our drug laws should reflect that fact.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Toy-making giant Habro announced today that it was filing a lawsuit in federal court to force George Bush and members of his former administration to stop using its “trademarks, logos, and other intellectual properties” immediately.

“Not to be cute about it, but we do have a monopoly on Monopoly,” says lead attorney Greg D’Angelo. “The former administration is engaging in a blatant abuse of copyright, and we just want them to stop.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama may be facing a bit of an endorsement lift next week from an unlikely source: the Breakfast of Champions.

“In addition to winning our corporate headquarters state (Minnesota) by a two-to-one margin, Barack Obama has also shown himself to clearly be the more athletic and sportly of the remaining presidential candidates,” said General Mills spokesman Doug Sandabar. “His obvious love of basketball, swimming, and to a lesser extent bowling, make him a perfect Wheaties box candidate.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Kotex parent-company Kimberly-Clark has announced that it will be endorsing Barak Obama in his bid to capture the 2008 Democratic nomination for president.

“We feel that Mr. Obama has the message that most resonates with these times, that of hope, change, freshness,” said a Kimberly-Clark spokeswoman. “We wholeheartedly endorse his candidacy, and will do all we can to insert him into the White House come November.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Hoping to cash in on the linguistic hype surrounding Sen. Larry Craig’s unfortunate bathroom encounter last summer, Levi Strauss & Co. have announced that they will begin making a new brand of jean called “Wide Stance Pants.”

“We will be marketing the pants to cowboys and others who straddle things for a living, as well as men of discretion and adventure,” said Levi spokesperson Janice Weiss. She denied that the pants would be solely marketed to closet homosexuals, despite a flurry of pre-advertising that seems to suggest otherwise. Continue Reading »