Bush to Push for Cleaner Pump Jockies

(FiniteTimes.com) – Further signs of a White House spiraling out of control were evident yesterday at a routine photo-op held at Bob’s Troop-Supportin’ Service Station in Rockville, MD. The topic was supposed to be the looming gasoline crisis, in particular the CAFÉ (corporate average fuel economy) standards that dictate vehicle gas mileage.

President Bush showed up in an apron.

“Now, café workers, they work hard. They have standards, and these café standards, I want to extend them to the gas industry, the fine men and women who service us, who pump us, who run these, uh, gas machine things,” President Bush said, waving a spatula for emphasis as a half-dozen aides frantically tried to get his attention.

Among the changes called for by President Bush:
· All attendants will wear hairnets.
· Hands are to be washed after every bathroom session, regardless of what was accomplished. Hand cream is not to be considered a substitute for soap.
· Service with a smile will be mandatory.
· All pumps and service areas are to be kept clean, and a new Department of Pump Sanitation will be established under the Department of Homeland Security.

“Terrorists have dirty hoses. American have clean, Godly hoses,” President Bush said.

The announcement had all sides on the gas issue scratching their heads.

“I suppose filling up your tank will feel a whole lot less like rape a whole lot more like a painful pelvic exam,” said Dr. Anthony Swift, Director of the non-profit group Americans for SUV Survival. “Other than that, I don’t really see the point.”

The measure next goes to the Senate Sub-Committee on The Next Election for consideration.

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