Bush Monkeys Around on Asian Rim Visit

(FiniteTimes.com) – The plan was simple: on the way to the Asian-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) meeting here last week, the president and his entourage would secretly sneak into Iraq to visit the troops and shore up support for the continuation of his surge strategy, then hop on over to Sydney to schmooze with friendly foreigners. No one in the Bush camp expected that someplace between points A and B they’d find themselves partying it up with a room full of monkeys.

While the White House is so far being mum on the incident, several news organizations, including The Finite Times, are reporting that miscommunication was to blame for the president winding up not at APEC, but at the Sydney Ramada Inn and APECON, a yearly convention held by Australian fans of the Planet of the Apes franchise.

“To be honest, I have no idea how it happened,” says an anonymous source who was with the president’s caravan. “Someone must have been asked for directions at the airport and thought we were looking for APECON. That convention is huge there, essentially putting Sydney on the map the past few years. APEC? Eh, not so much.”

The mix-up apparently went smoothly and undetected for nearly two hours, with President Bush and his posse apparently thinking they had stumbled upon an unannounced evolution-themed costume ball that was part of the APEC festivities.

“Oh crikey, they were pretty decent at first,” says John “Cornelius Jr.” Simpson, a long-time participant in the convention and this year’s treasure for the event.

“We didn’t even realize it was the American president, just thought it was hired entertainment or something. They pounded a few beers with us, had a few bananas, and everyone was playing nice. Then some drunk orangutan started ragging on Mr. Bush about global warming, and all hell broke loose, mate.”

According to eyewitness reports, the orangutan allegedly put a hand on President Bush’s arm to illustrate his point, and the president lost it. Yelling “Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!”, Bush kicked the orangutan in the testicals, grabbed the nuclear football and began pounding on the man’s costumed head with the briefcase. Secret service quickly moved in to control the situation, but other convention participants, thinking they were viewing a reenactment of the “human hunts” from the original Planet of the Apes movie, whooped and descended on the small, un-costumed group.

“There were a couple of shots fired, but I don’t think anyone was hit, and then they were running for their lives, which of course is the exact wrong thing to do when you’re the only humans in a room full of monkeys and gorillas,” says Simpson. “I suppose it’s a testament to their secret service training that they were able to get away and didn’t wind up in our slave carts. Although to be honest, outrunning a bunch of shitfaced folk in monkey suits isn’t exactly an Olympian sort of feat.”

The incident clearly rattled the president, who spent the next several days suffering through gaffs and requiring that all bananas be removed from rooms before he would enter. As for the APECONians, the consensus is that it was the best convention in years.

“Ah, usually its simian karaoke and drunk monkey sex, but this year was a pisser,” says Simpson. “We’re planning on inviting him back for next year’s.”

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