The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – In a stunning reversal, the Obama administration today admitted that the so-called “death panel” that Republican operatives have been railing against for the past couple of weeks is still very much on the health care reform table. To underscore its commitment to the concept, a familiar face from the past has been elevated to the position of the nation’s first “Death Czar.”

“Dr. Jack Kevorkian has been a compassionate advocate for end-of-life issues for going-on-decades now, and I will be pleased to welcome him into my cabinet as this nation’s first Secretary of the Department of Conditional Aging (DCA),” President Obama announced at a short morning press conference. While Kevorkian was not present at the conference, President Obama hailed him as a man of “limitless integrity, technical proficiency, and just an American over-brimming with the right snuff [sic].”
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(FiniteTimes.com) – A source at the Oklahoma governor’s office has confirmed to The Finite Times that the state will be the first in the union to officially sanction the so-called “Birther” belief that President Obama was born in Kenya by issuing a special commemorative license plate.

“There has been a lot of call for something like this, so we’re only giving into what our most vocal Oklahomans seem to want,” said an aide to Governor Brad Henry. “If President Obama wishes to clear any of this up by producing the long version of his birth certificate, we’d be happy to add a note mentioning that on the back of the plate.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The scenes from the past couple of weeks are familiar.

A president inviting two men to the White House for a beer to diffuse racial tensions. A Toledo mayoral candidate and his heckler sitting down over a brew to air out their differences. In both cases, the libation at hand was a classic guys hanging with guys one, the go-to drink to get together and hash things out over, perfectly natural.

Also perfectly therapeutic, according to a recent study published in the Journal of Microbrewology and conducted at the University of Santa Barbara. Continue Reading »