The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – The campaign of Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton announced today that the candidate has joined a Borg collective. The announcement confirms rumors that have been circulating since pictures showing Clinton as a Borg began appearing two weeks ago.

“A vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton is a vote for the collective,” says Clinton spokeswoman Marcia St. John from Clinton’s new big square campaign headquarters in New York City. “You’re not just getting one mind with Hillary, you’re getting a whole bunch of them, able to embrace all aspects of an issue simultaneously. Eat that, Barack.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – With the “wink wink, nudge nudge” legality of waterboarding established by the Mukasey attorney general nomination hearings behind them, the Senate is poised to consider another controversial interrogation technique when it reconvenes after the Thanksgiving break.

“You know, I’m thoroughly repulsed by the very thought of dustboarding, but does that mean it should be banned?” asks Senator Chuck Schumer, chairman of the Senate Subcommittee on Questionable Intelligence Practices (SubQIP). SubQIP’s job is to look into the moral and ethical issues surrounding the incarceration and interrogation of Global War on Terror detainees. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Seeking to bolster its reputation as the planet’s foremost proponent of peace, the Bush administration on Monday announced plans to solve a conflict that has been simmering for centuries. While novel and breathtaking in its approach, the solution may prove to be a hard sell to all parties involved.

“We propose to settle the Kurds on one of Alaska’s Aleutian Islands,” announced Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice when asked about the recent destabilizing events in Pakistan. “We shall call it Kurdaleut (pronounced kird-a-lute), and it shall become a beloved territory of the United States, much like that Puerto Rican place.” Continue Reading »