The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Fred Thompson threw his hat into the presidential ring several weeks ago, many political observers assumed that the issue of equal time would become a dominant one due to Thompson’s work on the television series “Law & Order.” Few could have predicted that straight-talking Arizona maverick John McCain would also have a part to play. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Hoping to cash in on the linguistic hype surrounding Sen. Larry Craig’s unfortunate bathroom encounter last summer, Levi Strauss & Co. have announced that they will begin making a new brand of jean called “Wide Stance Pants.”

“We will be marketing the pants to cowboys and others who straddle things for a living, as well as men of discretion and adventure,” said Levi spokesperson Janice Weiss. She denied that the pants would be solely marketed to closet homosexuals, despite a flurry of pre-advertising that seems to suggest otherwise. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Steve Jacobs generally doesn’t leave CNN on in the background at his modest St. Louis duplex. He feels the negative energy generated by the likes of Wolf Blitzer and Nancy Grace leave his cacti too prickly, his delphiniums too droopy. But he had it on Tuesday, and what he heard forced him to leave the room.

“I set my water mister down and I just had to leave before the curse word broke out into the open and damaged my delicate begonias,” Jacobs told The Finite Times. His voice dropped to a whisper. “Just one bitch and they wouldn’t bloom for a year.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today called upon the United States to pay homage to its alleged Christian roots by replacing George Washington on the $1 bill with a more appropriate image, that of Jesus Christ.

The plea surprised some political analysts, who had assumed that McCain’s reference to the U.S. as a ‘Christian nation’ in a recent Beliefnet interview was nothing more than pandering to the base. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – In a move designed to counter criticism over its veto of a $35 billion expansion of the State Children’s Health Insurance Program, the Bush administration today announced plans to enact sweeping changes to the existing child labor provisions of the Fair Labor Standards Act.

“The question should not be Is our childrens getting gooder insurance through the government, but How can our childrens gets gooder private insurance, and I think the answer to that is simple: get a job,” President Bush told a group of kids at the Fort Meade, Daycare Division facility.

The State Health for Employed Minors Program (SHEMP) would give tax breaks to businesses that hire workers as young as 8 years old to work 32-36 hour work weeks, provided that the companies also cover the younger workers for major medical and dental insurance.

Businesses had lobbied hard to move the work hours up to the standard 40-hour week, but in the end had settled for the 32-36 number in exchange for a much-reduced orthodontia clause.

“We see it as a win-win all around,” said Stu Mengele, chairman of the Business Interest Group, a Washington-based corporate think-tank and lobbying firm. “We’ll have more high-energy laborers – seriously, have you seen them zip around a playground? The tax cuts will promote business growth across the board.

“And several million kids will have insurance to cover them for any on-the-job injuries they might stumble into,” Mengele added. “Everyone wins!”

Democrats in Congress have publicly expressed misgivings about key aspects of SHEMP, and it is expected that they will complain loudly before signing the program into law.

“Does SHEMP cover naps? Snacks? How about recess? Will IBM be installing swings and a slide adjacent to every break room?” asked a flustered Nancy Pelosi recently on the House floor. “I don’t have the power to stop it, but I will damn sure pencil any concerns I have into the margins of anything coming from the President’s desk.

“Anything!” she repeated defiantly.

Both chambers of Congress are expected to begin debate on the program sometime later this month.