The Finite Times

President Bush today signed off on a plan to send analysts from the Department of Homeland Security to Iran for several weeks to assist in the implementation of a color-coded advisory system. While the United States uses such a system to alert its citizens to potential terrorist threats, the Iranians will be utilizing the technology for a different purpose.

“As you can see, right now it is on Green, or Low. And you can see right underneath it says No gays present. It is just as President Ahmadinejad said,” explained Iranian Cultural Affairs Secretary Ahmed Dabashi as he pointed to a large, color-coded graph behind him.

“If the Great Satan Bush were to have his soldiers penetrate a gay man over our borders, we would know, and the level would rise to Blue/Guarded, or One gay detected,” said Dabashi. “We would then take appropriate action. Gas a village, that sort of thing.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=0M200709021

As France mourns its fallen crown prince of nonverbal mirth, a debate has been ranging in Parisian circles as to the best way to memorialize famed mime Marcel Marceau. And as so happens in the capitol city, the desire to create something new and unusual is running up against old and inflexible laws and regulations.

“What are you going to do, stick M. Marceau in a box and bury him in the ground?” asked Claud LaFont, chairhomme of the Paris Artistic Heritage Foundation, a grassroots group that seeks to preserve the historical uniqueness of French art and culture. “Mimes come with their own boxes - it would be redundant!”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=0L200709018

Mere days after getting the boot from Iraqi government officials for shooting and killing innocent civilians, security contractor Blackwater USA is acknowledging that it is currently in talks with Najaf province’s radical Sheikh Abdallah al-Sallad to take over security and training for the Sheik’s forces.

“We are currently talking with Sheikh al-Sallad about possibly doing some future contracted work, but nothing is set in stone at this point,” confirmed the North Carolina-based company. “Here at Blackwater, we focus purely on the profit, not the politics. If al-Sallad and his people can meet our price, we’ll be more than happy to hop aboard.

“No slogan chanting, though,” the Blackwater source added. “We don’t chant.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=86200709015

FBI analysts are saying that a video posted to several radical Muslim Websites over the weekend - the second such video in a week - may indeed be that of Al Qaeda head Osama bin Laden.

While the mannerisms and physical characteristics of the terrorist front-man appear to be consistent with those of bin Laden, the content of the message itself has raised some questions in the intelligence community as to the man’s future plans and intentions.

“I am here shouting out to Kathy Griffin. Girlfriend, I want to fill you with babies,” reads a translation of the tape’s text. In the tape, bin Laden clutches flowers and repeatedly and emotionally beats on his chest.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=38200709012

The plan was simple: on the way to the Asian-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) meeting here last week, the President and his entourage would secretly sneak into Iraq to visit the troops and shore up support for the continuation of his surge strategy, then hop on over to Sydney to schmooze with friendly foreigners. No one in the Bush camp expected that somewhere in between, they’d find themselves partying it up with a room full of monkeys.

While the White House is so far being mum on the incident, several news organizations, including CAP News, are reporting that miscommunication was to blame for the President winding up not at APEC, but at the Sydney Ramada Inn and APECON, a yearly convention held by Australian fans of the Planet Of The Apes franchise.

“To be honest, I have no idea how it happened,” said an anonymous source who was with the President’s caravan. “Someone must have been asked for directions at the airport and thought we were looking for APECON. That convention is huge there, essentially putting Sydney on the map the past few years. APEC? Eh, not so much.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=83200709010

As the nation’s capitol gears up for the long awaited report by General David Petraeus, advanced copies have begun to leak out to various media outlets and congressional offices. The Iraqi War progress report covers a number of expected metrics, examining everything from the number of police precincts to specific incidents of sectarian violence.

Those privy to the leaked report say that there is nothing unusual about it. As expected, much of the information contained within it attempts to paint progress in the ongoing war in as favorable a light as possible.

Nothing unusual, that is, until Section 17, Subsection 4, Paragraph 11:

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=0I200709007

Rumors have been swirling around Bill Murray since his arrest here recently on a suspicion of driving a golf cart under the influence. Would the aging SNL alum be the next celeb to succumb to the temptations of drink and drugs?

“At the time I had signed this non-disclosure thing, so I really couldn’t talk about it,” Murray recently told CAP News entertainment reporter Consuelo Jones. “But since you and other members of the press know about it, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. “So, yes, I was pretty shit-faced, but it was all research for an upcoming role.”

The role Bill Murray is preparing for is that of perpetually inebriated tee-totaller John Daly in the upcoming TNT bio-pic, Shaky Putts: The John Daly Story. Ever the consummate method actor, Murray has thrown himself into preparing for the role with a series of incidents over the past couple of months involving both golfing and Jack Daniels.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=0F200709004