The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – President Bush today signed off on a plan to send analysts from the Department of Homeland Security to Iran for several weeks to assist in the implementation of a color-coded advisory system. While the United States uses such a system to alert its citizens to potential terrorist threats, the Iranians will be utilizing the technology for a different purpose.

“As you can see, right now it is on Green, or Low. And you can see right underneath it says No gays present. It is just as President Ahmadinejad said,” explained Iranian Cultural Affairs Secretary Ahmed Dabashi as he pointed to a large, color-coded graph behind him. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – As France mourns its fallen crown prince of nonverbal mirth, a debate has been ranging in Parisian circles as to the best way to memorialize famed mime Marcel Marceau. And as so happens in the capitol city, the desire to create something new and unusual is running up against old and inflexible laws and regulations.

“What are you going to do, stick M. Marceau in a box and bury him in the ground?” asked Claud LaFont, chairhomme of the Paris Artistic Heritage Foundation, a grassroots group that seeks to preserve the historical uniqueness of French art and culture. “Mimes come with their own boxes – it would be redundant!” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Mere days after getting the boot from Iraqi government officials for shooting and killing innocent civilians, security contractor Blackwater USA is acknowledging that it is currently in talks with Najaf province’s radical Sheikh Abdallah al-Sallad to take over security and training for the Sheik’s forces.

“We are currently talking with Sheikh al-Sallad about possibly doing some future contracted work, but nothing is set in stone at this point,” confirmed the North Carolina-based company. “Here at Blackwater, we focus purely on the profit, not the politics. If al-Sallad and his people can meet our price, we’ll be more than happy to hop aboard. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com ) – FBI analysts are saying that a video posted to several radical Muslim Websites over the weekend – the second such video in a week – may indeed be that of Al Qaeda head Osama bin Laden. While the mannerisms and physical characteristics of the terrorist front-man appear to be consistent with those of bin Laden, the content of the message itself has raised some questions in the intelligence community as to the man’s future plans and intentions.

“I am here shouting out to Kathy Griffin. Girlfriend, I want to fill you with babies,” reads a translation of the tape’s text. In the tape, bin Laden clutches flowers and repeatedly and emotionally beats on his chest. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The plan was simple: on the way to the Asian-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) meeting here last week, the president and his entourage would secretly sneak into Iraq to visit the troops and shore up support for the continuation of his surge strategy, then hop on over to Sydney to schmooze with friendly foreigners. No one in the Bush camp expected that someplace between points A and B they’d find themselves partying it up with a room full of monkeys.

While the White House is so far being mum on the incident, several news organizations, including The Finite Times, are reporting that miscommunication was to blame for the president winding up not at APEC, but at the Sydney Ramada Inn and APECON, a yearly convention held by Australian fans of the Planet of the Apes franchise. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – As the nation’s capitol gears up for the long awaited report by General David Petraeus, advanced copies have begun to leak out to various media outlets and congressional offices. The Iraqi War progress report covers a number of expected metrics, examining everything from the number of police precincts to specific incidents of sectarian violence. Those privy to the leaked report say that there is nothing unusual about it. As expected, much of the information contained within it attempts to paint progress in the ongoing war in as favorable a light as possible.

Nothing unusual, that is, until Section 17, Subsection 4, Paragraph 11. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Rumors have been swirling around Bill Murray since his arrest here last month on a suspicion of driving a golf cart under the influence. Would the aging SNL alum be the next celeb to succumb to the temptations of drink and drugs?

“At the time I had signed this non-disclosure thing, so I really couldn’t talk about it,” Murray recently told The Finite Times entertainment reporter Consuelo Jones. “But since you and other members of the press know about it, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. So, yes, I was pretty shit-faced, but it was all research for an upcoming role.” Continue Reading »