The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – In yet another sign of a deepening addiction problem, a spokesman for Lindsay Lohan confirmed on Friday that the actress was indeed the one responsible for Britney Spear’s second date with hair clippers this year.

“We can confirm that Lindsay broke out of the Urokey Rehabilitation Clinic late last night and was the one responsible for shaving Miss Spears,” a statement from the actress’s camp said. “While Lindsay regrets the incident and apologizes for the blatant cliché, she denies that the hair clippers in question actually belonged to her.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Seeking to breath life into his flagging presidential campaign, Senator John McCain announced today that he will be appearing in a future episode of the hit CBS TV show, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

“I did a little acting when I was a prisoner of war, but gosh that was years ago,” McCain said at a campaign stop in Fleur d’Merde, Quebec. “Of course, my lines then were pretty simple. ‘John McCain, Lieutenant Commander, Serial Number 899498-9855-9, ahhhhhhhhhhhh!’ Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Internet search giant Google announced today that it is expanding into yet another red-hot electronic arena: online dating. The company’s Google Dates will begin beta-tests in select markets as early as next week, with a planned full-rollout to take place shortly after Labor Day weekend.

“With millions of desperately lonely people using Google at any given moment, we feel the environment is right to play matchmaker to people of like interests,” says Google spokesman Aaron Zamost. “At Google Dates, our motto will be ‘Search for something special, and someone special may find you’.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Harry Potter mania is heating up across the globe with the July release of both a new movie (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) and the last book in the series (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows), and Republican candidates for the presidency are taking notice with a number of statements geared towards appeasing the religious wedge of their right-wing base.

“This is an evil, evil little boy,” Arizona Senator John McCain said at a Fairbanks, Alaska fundraiser. “How’s that song go? Harry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are, uh, burned at the stake.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Thirty years is a long time to wait between appetizer and entrée. Just ask Larry Elliot. In the early 1960’s, Elliot was an out-of-work hand model, forced to return to his native Missouri and an uncertain future.

“I used to do wart commercials and manly soap spots in Hollywood, but towards the end I was only getting stunt-hand jobs in second-rate porno projects,” Elliot said from his modest Missouri homeless shelter cubicle. “I thought, home has got to be better than this, but it weren’t.” Continue Reading »