The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Beltway pundits were universally taken by surprise Wednesday when Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney renounced his US citizenship and declared his intention to create his own country.

“Cheneyvania looks forward to having a strong relationship with King Dick’s former country, the United States,” said the fledgling state’s new Court spokesman, Brit Hume. He spoke to reporters following Wednesday afternoon’s coronation ceremony. “We’ve got her back militarily, culturally, and economically. Upon purchase of a standing army, or the successful culmination of contract negotiations with Blackwater Consulting, we anticipate becoming eager and rabid participants in the Coalition of the Willing.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – From his vantage point outside Paris Hilton’s house during last week’s arrest of the heiress, paparazzi veteran Nick Eldorado could tell Hilton was upset. Real upset.

“She was a mess. I mean crying buckets, man,” Eldorado says. “The deputies sat out front with her for several minutes before speeding off, and they kept handing her tissue after tissue. She was filling them fast.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The tired building with its chipped-brick façade is about as Off-Off Broadway as you can get, but the tassels don’t swing with any less energy, the sequins aren’t secured with any less glue. It is Demillo’s Theater, longtime home to the Shanghai She-Male Review, a staple in this neighborhood where stripped cars and crack house tenements are the norm. In its long history, it has bore witness to many a strange oddity, but the Jerry Falwell pee stain may just trump them all. Continue Reading »