Finite Times

As candidates on both sides of the political aisle rush to lock up the endorsements of key special interest groups, none is more highly coveted by Republicans this election cycle than that of abortion foes. John McCain appears to be the early and big winner in that area this time around, as a coalition of anti-abortion groups calling itself “Focus On The Fetus” yesterday endorsed the Arizona senator.

“As I look around this crowd of attractive, leaky-nippled carrying cases, I sense the rage of the fetuses, simmering just under the surface,” FotF founder Arlen Mason told a small group gathered in the Wilderness Room at the St. Louis Ramada Inn. “Their voices need to be heard, and with such under-developed vocal cords, they need a messenger to make that happen. John McCain is that messenger.”

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http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=63200705020

Four decades of fast food clowning teetered on the edge of irrelevance yesterday when it was revealed that longtime McDonald’s spokesman Ronald McDonald was also pitching drug paraphernalia in the 1960’s. The revelation appears in Subway spokesman Jared Fogel’s new autobiography, Porn & Pickle Chips: My College Years, which hits bookstores in two weeks.

“One day I was hanging out with Ronald, and we were drinking Sangria, I think,” Jared writes. “Ronald gets so hammered that he starts to tell me this story about the ’60s, about how he was not only working on fast food commercials, but was also Ronald McBongLoad, the pitchman for a Venice head shop called Toke ‘N Choke.

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http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=69200705018

Republican National Committee (RNC) Chairman Mike Duncan has announced a change in format for the next Republican debate, to be held at the recently renovated South Los Angeles Rosa Parks Bus Station, located in Watts. Bowing to vocal elements within the Republican party, the RNC had decided to structure the Watts debate as a rap battle.

“The location, obviously, played a part in our decision,” Duncan said. “You don’t go into the hood to chat up the peepsies in a three-piecer, yo. It will give our candidates an opportunity to shine in areas where they often, quite frankly, don’t even glow dimly.

“And Reagan would have loved it,” Duncan added.

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http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=63200705015

While Lynchburg investigators have not officially charged anyone in the sudden death of evangelist and Liberty University founder Jerry Falwell, they have announced that they are holding for questioning Dave Thompson, the actor who played Tinky Winky on the children’s show, Teletubbies.

“At this point in time, he’s a character actor of interest, nothing more,” said Lynchburg Police Department spokeswoman Wanda Levitt. “We’ve placed him near the scene of the crime, and he certainly has motive. There was also incriminating evidence at the scene, but I can’t get more into that at this time.”

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http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=60200705013

When President Bush grabbed a baton on Sunday and led the Virginia Symphony Orchestra in a few bars of Stars and Stripes Forever, many in the audience simply assumed it was the man’s quirky sense of humor that fueled it. Or a healthy shot from the flask that Secret Service Agent #6 is assigned to carry at all times (#7 has the nuclear football).

Few would have guessed the truth: that Bush was sending complex field strategy orders to his commanders in Iraq.

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http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=62200705011

The picture is so disturbing that CAP News’ ombudsman almost didn’t clear it for publication. It shows Vice President Dick Cheney, naked and reclined on a bed, apparently angrily trying to masturbate. It is disturbing, and apparently it is all the Democrats’ fault.

“This is not a situation that we were hoping for, but we are committed to raising money for the troops, and the Vice President’s calendar is merely one way that we’re looking to achieve that goal,” said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.

“Other things we’re planning are the OTB T-Ball Invitational, which will be next month, and Mr. Cheney again is helping out with his Charity Skeet Shoot event. And that, by the way, is pure bipartisanship, because the VP is only inviting Democrats to that event,” said Snow.

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http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=0B200705009

Delores Campion remembers when a trip to the local gas station meant a fill-up, a fistful of tabloids and a generous bulky roll stuffed with Fill-Up Fred’s famous tuna salad. These days, with the price of gas so high, she’s lucky to drive away with half a tank, a Star Magazine and a mere longing for the fishy treat her tongue can no longer afford.

“The price keeps going up and there’s nothing you can do,” Delores said from her Huntsville, Pa. home. “It’s so rural here, you have to drive for everything, and that takes gas. They really kind of got you by the ball joint, if you know what I mean.”

Relief may be on the way for Delores and millions like her who are suffering from the recent record high price of gasoline. An energies engineering graduate student from the Oregon Technical Institute in Eugene has delivered a gasoline additive that he claims can cut gas use in half.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=31200705008

For geneticist Bob Ballou, Christmas came early this year.

“The wife called with the news, said she heard it on Tesh or something,” Ballou recalls. “I didn’t believe it at first. Who would, you know? Then the phone started ringing off the hook.”

After fielding calls from colleagues in the U.S. and Canada, Bob Ballou knew that it was true: Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson had broken up. One more piece of an improbable puzzle, nearly the last piece in fact, had fallen into place.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=51200611021

It seemed like a no-lose situation: stick the President in bicycle shorts on Saturday and send him off to Maryland to tout the benefits of physical exercise. As the White House was learning by Monday morning, in politics there is no such thing as a no-lose situation.

“Should we be concentrating on beefing up the body, or the soul?” asked Rev. Ainsley B. Harcott of the Altoona, Pa. Altoona Bible Church. “If it’s the soul, a few reps of gay bashing should be sufficient to tone up the eternal spirit. I certainly don’t remember Jesus popping a wheelie or Adam doing aerobics. Not in my Bible, they didn’t.

“We just really wish the President had run this by our church secretary,” Harcott added.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=13200705005

President Bush appeared on national television last night to clarify and further condemn the Democrats’ war funding bill and explain why he had vetoed it. To many Americans, the explanation came as a surprise.

“Them Democratics put times tables in this bill, and I’m not going to multiply. I just won’t,” the President said. “I’m not gonna add, not gonna subtract, not gonna multiply. I’m a divider. They want me to divide? Bring it on.”

The President added: “This is only my second veto, and this one is for the troops.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=47200705003