The Finite Times

Somewhere North of Tehran, Iran (FiniteTimes.com) – By Ahmed Allah al Allat’s estimates, he has another 23 pots of Islamic gruel left to make before he enters the record books.

“It has just been honorish to cook for my held friends,” an emotional al Allat told The Finite Times on Tuesday. “To be part of record book would be greatest honor of all.”

The record book in question is the Guinness Book of World Records, and the record – a part of the compilation’s new Human Misadventures section – is for State Human Hostage Hours.

“Iran got a huge start on that record with the original 52 United States hostages that were released in 1981,” said Guinness spokesman Sir Robert Cranston. “They’ve added to their numbers here and there, but this latest situation with the British naval people has really put them in the running for the record.”

If Iran can continue to ward off an invasion and the smattering of diplomatic overtures through April 15th, they will break the current record of 936,012 hostage/hours now held by China. The United States in particular has recently been ramping up the pressure, their own goals of claiming the record for themselves hampered by both the Iranian effort and their own so-far unsuccessful bid to get the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay relabeled “hostages” to qualify.

As for Ahmed Allah al Allat, he’s just enjoying another opportunity to cook for hostages. Affectionately known as Chefie (a name he earned cooking for the original 52 hostages some 25 years ago), Allat is currently touring rural Iran, where the recent batch of British hostages are being forced to teach geography to some of Iran’s poorest children.

“We are like one big family, but with blindfolds and rifle butt bruises,” Allat said as he lovingly stirred his latest pot of Islamic gruel.

22 to go.

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