The Finite Times

New York, NY (FiniteTimes.com) – The Depends undergarment company announced Wednesday that it is dropping astronaut Lisa Nowak as its official spokesperson following Nowak’s mace and BB-gun rampage targeting fellow NASA employee and love-rival Colleen Shipman.

“While we appreciate that Ms. Nowak wore our products on her cross-country trip to kidnap or kill Ms. Shipman… well, I think that statement right there pretty much speaks for itself,” a Depends spokesman told The Finite Times. “We are grateful for Ms. Nowak’s past endorsement of our products, but this whole rabid-bitch-in-heat situation has convinced us of the need to go in another direction for the future.”

Lisa Nowak’s most familiar ad appeared after her first shuttle mission last summer. The ad shows Nowak in the shuttle shortly after liftoff, an announcer saying, “Astronaut Lisa Nowak, you just launched into space. What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to piss myself!” Nowak exuberantly replies.

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