The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Sir Elton John announced today that he plans to re-release his hit song, Candle In The Wind. Much like he did with Princess Diana after her tragic death, Sir Elton is making this unusual move after apparently being touched by the short life and sudden death of Anna Nicole Smith.

“As big a mess as she was, it’s just amazing the reaction to her passing, isn’t it? We can’t stop thinking about her,” Sir Elton told reporters during a news conference outside the London headquarters of his dwarfism support charity, Tiny Dancer. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Vice President Cheney’s plane developed mechanical problems en-route to Singapore Sunday, the White House was quick to categorize it as minor and not a “safety issue”. By Monday morning new information became available that portrayed the incident in a much more serious light, and an unlikely hero has emerged as the apparent savior of Air Force II.

“Faulty intelligence led us to believe that the situation was not life and death, but after talking to the Air Force II pilots and staff, it’s pretty clear that there is only one reason that that plane made it to Singapore: Dick Cheney,” Tony Snow told reporters at Monday’s daily White House press conference. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Genealogists working for Ancestry.com thought they had dropped the ultimate bombshell last weekend when they announced that they had proof that an ancestor of Strom Thurmond had once owned Al Sharpton’s great-grandfather. Amateur genealogists sifting through their voluminous supporting files however have found evidence of a historical relationship which might be even more profound.

“It was pure chance, really,” said Cleveland Family Tree Association (CFTA) president Harriet Smith. “According to the Ancestry.com genealogists, Reverend Sharpton’s great-grandfather Coleman Sharpton was freed and went on to organize an uprising with a number of other slaves, including one Jeremiah Obama. It’s certainly a familiar name these days. Historically aroused, as we say, we looked into it further.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Emmy-nominated Behind The Music producer Mark Edmunds was hospitalized Tuesday night for what a VH1 spokesman says is exhaustion.

“Mark personally took over the Britney Spears episode update a few months ago, and to be honest, I think it just proved to be too much,” the spokesman told The Finite Times. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Maverick U.S. Senator and 2008 GOP presidential hopeful John McCain is facing criticism for comments he made Wednesday concerning the botched murder/kidnapping incident that broke up NASA’s most notorious astronaut et trois and left one astronautette fighting for her freedom.

“She [Lisa Nowak] attacked the other woman [Colleen Shipman] with a BB gun and some lengths of rubber tubing to get a guy [Bill Oefelein],” McCain said in a speech delivered on the floor of the Senate. “What if she had been attacking a terrorist? The terrorist would have won, that’s what. She’s a pussy, and I think we should purge NASA of all pussies, that’s what I think.” Continue Reading »