The Finite Times

Cincinnati, Ohio (FiniteTimes.com) – If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Jerry Springer is feeling very flattered indeed.

“We had the idea first. Oprah just had the money to take our idea and push it through a little more quickly,” Springer said Saturday as he cut the ribbon to officially open the Jerry Springer School for Troubled Teens. “It’s all for the kids; that’s all that matters.”

Dubbed Troubled Teens University, or “TTU,” Springer’s school takes a novel approach to education by encompassing elements of his successful talk show into the curriculum.

“A math problem might be ‘If you had a bunch of midgets each weighing 85 pounds, how many midgets would it take to pin a transvestite would could bench press 740 pounds?’” Springer said. “Another example, we teach that you learn from history. If you get hit by a chair, are you going to let the man who was two-timing your sister with her best friend anywhere near it again? Of course not.”

While criticism from teachers and other educational professionals has been building, students who have been taking classes over the past couple of “dry run” weeks have been overwhelmingly supportive.

“I never did like no school, but here at Trailer Trash University – is what we calls it – it’s different, you know?” said a teenage boy who wanted to be referred to as The Notorious Dwayne. “It’s like fun, but you also have your three R’s: readin’, writin’, and wrestlin’. Then at the end of the day, Principal Springer always comes on the intercom and puts that day into perspective, summing up what you learned, you know? It’s pretty fucking cool.”

It’s also apparently a trend. Following on the heels of the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls, the Jerry Springer School for Troubled Teens is the second celebrity-sponsored educational institution to open in the past month. A third, the Geraldo Rivera School for Little Spunky Jackasses, is currently on hold pending an accreditation hearing.

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