Monthly ArchiveJanuary 2007
Entertainment & U.S. admin on 31 Jan 2007
Here She Gums, Miss America
Less than 48 hours after first feeling the glorious weight of the Miss America tiara resting on her head, Oklahoma’s Lauren Nelson was out, stripped of her title and her dignity after a series of racy photos involving herself and a gang of midget gynecology students hit the Internet. Pageant officials wasted no time in naming a replacement.
“Ida Scrump is a remarkable woman, a pillar in her retirement community, and a fine, upstanding albeit slightly hunched-over individual,” said Sam Haskell, chairman of the Miss America Organization board. The 86-year-old Scrump beamed beside him.
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Politics admin on 16 Jan 2007
Boxer’s Criticism on the Ropes - Condi to Adopt
When Barbara Boxer tossed down the “you ain’t got a dog in this hunt” gauntlet to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently, the White House was uncharacteristically quick to respond.
“Senator Boxer’s comments about Ms. Rice’s childlessness was a slight to the fairer sex everywhere,” said State Department spokesman Hugh Jorgan. “As a matter of fact, the Secretary is in the process of adopting a whole platoon. I wonder if Senator Boxer sees that as a large enough personal stake.”
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World admin on 14 Jan 2007
Executioners Weigh In On Hussein Hanging
The 2007 League of Executing States Convention was supposed to be noteworthy mostly for its keynote speaker, President George W. Bush. However, it was the methodology behind the termination of a Middle Eastern tyrant that took center stage.
“I find in general that juxtaposing the colors of skin and noose - for example, dark noose on a white man, white noose on a man of color - makes for a more stunning contrast,” said Mainza Lisulo, Executioner General for Zambia (hanging). “In these pictures I’ve seen, you have pasty-faced Saddam with a white noose - tsk tsk. It’s not aesthetically pleasing.”
While many convention-goers expressed misgivings that the event was taped and uploaded to the Internet, Sheikh Allama Bin Rasid Al Daheri, God’s Ultimate Vengence Sheikh (GUV-Sheikh) for the United Arab Emirates (beheading, stoning, firing squad), disagreed.
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U.S. admin on 11 Jan 2007
Surfers Flood California Recruiters
It was with, like, total shock that Sargent Daniel Rodriguez opened his Malibu army recruitment office Thursday to find a line of long-haired teens stretched around the block.
“It was like I was selling Quiet Riot tickets or something,” said the 50-year-old Rodriguez. “I got them all taken care of though and ended up the day 3000% over my recruitment goal for the month.”
Rodriguez isn’t the only armed forces recruiter to suddenly find himself having a bumper month, nor is he the only one who smells vaguely of Sex Wax. Officials for all four branches of the U.S. military say that recruitment numbers have skyrocketed this week, most of it coming from offices located near surfing locales in California and Hawaii. Experts are crediting language problems, and not rampant patriotism, for the recruiting rush.
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Business & Politics admin on 03 Jan 2007
Depends Shortage Grips DC
A veteran of the Washington convenience store circuit, Alexi Ulyokov knows his business well enough to stock accordingly whenever a holiday rolls over the Capitol city. After years of running the Federal 40’s & Filtered Butts Bodega on 15th Street, he has never had problems with running out of stock.
This year, however, was different.
“It started with the Ben Gay, then eczema cream, then Viagra prescriptions. I’m used to this, right? Washington crowd, older. But then I notice the Depends was flying off the shelves,” Alexi said. “I try calling around, getting more, but everybody’s seeing a run on the things. By Saturday, I’m out.”
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