The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Less than 48 hours after first feeling the glorious weight of the Miss America tiara resting on her head, Oklahoma’s Lauren Nelson was out, stripped of her title and her dignity after a series of racy photos involving herself and a gang of midget gynecology students hit the Internet. Pageant officials wasted no time in naming a replacement.

“Ida Scrump is a remarkable woman, a pillar in her retirement community, and a fine, upstanding albeit slightly hunched-over individual,” said Sam Haskell, chairman of the Miss America Organization board. The 86-year-old Scrump beamed beside him. “We fully expect that she’ll be able to fulfill all of her obligations as Miss America, so long as said obligations don’t fall on Bingo Wednesdays.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When Barbara Boxer tossed down the “you ain’t got a dog in this hunt” gauntlet to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice last week, the White House was uncharacteristically quick to respond.

“Senator Boxer’s comments about Ms. Rice’s childlessness was a slight to the fairer sex everywhere,” said State Department spokesman Hugh Jorgan. “As a matter of fact, the Secretary is in the process of adopting a whole platoon. I wonder if Senator Boxer sees THAT as a large enough personal stake.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The 2007 League of Executing States Convention was supposed to be noteworthy mostly for its keynote speaker – President George W. Bush – but it was the methodology behind the termination of a Middle Eastern tyrant that took center stage.

“I find in general that juxtaposing the colors of skin and noose – for example, dark noose on a white man, white noose on a man of color – makes for a more stunning contrast,” said Mainza Lisulo, Executioner General for Zambia (hanging). “In these pictures I’ve seen, you have pasty-faced Saddam with a white noose… tsk tsk. It’s not aesthetically pleasing.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – It was with, like, total shock that Sargent Daniel Rodriguez opened his Malibu army recruitment office Thursday to found a line of long-haired teens stretched around the block.

“It was like I was selling Quiet Riot tickets or something,” says the 50-year-old Rodriguez. “I got them all taken care of though and ended up the day 3000% over my recruitment goal for the month.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – A veteran of the Washington convenience store circuit, Alexi Ulyokov knows his business well enough to stock accordingly whenever a holiday rolls over the Capitol city. After years of running the Federal 40’s & Filtered Butts Bodega on 15th Street, he never has problems with running out of stock.

This year, however, was different. Continue Reading »