The Finite Times

Baghdad, Iraq (FiniteTimes.com) - Mere hours before he was to be put to death by hanging, former Iraqi despot Saddam Hussein was making a remarkable claim: just prior to the U.S. invasion of Iraq, Jesus talked to him.

“He was on the palatial commode, trying to decide how best to counter the pending U.S. agression against his country and looking for a nine-letter word for ‘inevitable,’ when a small Jesus appeared on the gold-trimmed paper holder next to him,” recounted Hussein lawyer Khalil al-Dulaimi.

What followed, apparently, was an animated exchange, with Saddam sniffing his Old Mesopotamia Ale for poison while the mini-Jesus gestured wildly in a high-pitched, yet humble, way. The gist of it, according to al-Dulaimi, was that the U.S. invasion would fail and that Saddam would emerge not only victorious, but with enough power to conquer the Middle East and secure a one-season seat as a guest judge on an upcoming season of American Idol.

“Saddam didn’t believe everything the little Jesus said. Come on, he’s not an idiot. But this is little Jesus, not little Easter bunny,” said al-Dulaimi. “You have to put a little stock in it.”

The story is oddly similar to one told by U.S. President George Bush some months after the invasion, in which he claimed that Jesus had told him to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. Christian Sciences Professor Stanley White of the University of Nebraska finds the situation unsettling.

“Assume for a minute that both sides are telling the truth, what does this mean? That Jesus was baiting both men?” White asked. “Does he do this often, or was he just one day like ‘Damn I’m bored, wish there was something on CNN.’ To me, that’s a little worrisome.”

In a related story, news services on Sunday scrambled to send crews into war-torn Somalia, where a chortling mini-Jesus figure was reportedly seen lurking near a bombed-out Mogadishu airstrip. More on this story as it develops…

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