The Finite Times

Rumsfeld in a Boy Scouts uniform Richmond, VA (CAP) – Rumsfeld-admirers the world over awoke Monday to the welcome news that their hero had landed on his feet with the acceptance of a new position: Cubmaster of Richmond Scout Pack 427.

“We’re obviously thrilled that ex-Secretary Rumsfeld has decided to head up our pack and turn our young boys into proud, arrogant, prickly men,” said scout father Brent Langsford. “I bet he can do a heck of a job spinning a campfire story, too.”

Rumsfeld is expected to utilize his signature “fast and light” strategy when he takes over as Cubmaster. New scout recruits are to earn no less than 47 pounds of awards, ribbons, medals and badges within the first year of their enrollment. Any scout not meeting this goal will be flagged for redeployment to a new Rumsfeld-created “remedial scouts”.

It is in the camping element of the scouting experience where “fast and light” will have its most profound effect, a fact that is making some Rumsfeld-detractors uneasy.

“Instead of loading up with gear and heading off to a major jamboree to have fun, Cubmaster Rumsfeld wants to split up the pack into small units,” claims Richmond city council member Claire Daniels. “These mini-packs will then be sent into the wild with knives, light body armor and a compass. Mr. Rumsfeld claims they will thrive in the wild, be welcomed by the animals they’ll have to slaughter in order to survive. These are kids, for God’s sake!”

Cubmaster Rumsfeld acknowledges that casualties of up to 8% — mostly from the remedial scouts – are to be expected.

“Look, this is a very small amount, much smaller than the number of product-sampling girl scouts who die each year from cholesterol-related diseases,” Rumsfeld told CAP News. “You go camping with the pack you have, not the pack you want. And the boys are ready, well trained. Like their oath says, a scout is clean, loyal, expendable, uh… loyal, non-critical, reverent. A couple more, I guess.”

Rumsfeld is expected to be sworn in as Cubmaster and start assembling his “pack staff” sometime around December 1.

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