Monthly ArchiveAugust 2006
Politics admin on 13 Aug 2006
Lieberman to Run as Turtle
(FiniteTimes.com) – When he lost the Connecticut Democratic primary last week, Senator Joe Lieberman vowed to continue on as an “independent Democrat.” Since then, insider polling has suggested that he would still lose against primary winner Ned Lamont, causing Lieberman to run, er swim, with another tactic.
“Joe will be running as a turtle,” said an aide to the Senator who requested anonymity. “He now wishes to be known as JoeMarineCritter.” Continue Reading »
Business &World admin on 08 Aug 2006
Israel: Wal-Mart, Not War
(FiniteTimes.com) – Much to the surprise of no one here at The Finite Times, Israeli Development Minister Doron Moallem has announced that Israel’s recent incursions into Lebanon are not acts of aggression.
“We are merely breaking ground for the world’s largest Super Wal-Mart,” said Moallem at a recent press conference. “It will be incredible! There will be a garden center, and a kosher delicatessen, and a Briss Palace ®. We just closed that deal, actually.” Continue Reading »
Science & Technology &U.S. admin on 08 Aug 2006
Troops Tend to Handheld Virtual Families
(FiniteTimes.com) – Stationed just outside of Baghdad for the past 26 months, Corporal Emmitt Brown hasn’t seen his wife or young daughter since his deployment. Thanks to the Pentagon putting a new use to an old technology, however, he feels they are still very much a part of his daily life.
“See that little brown bar there? The longer it is, the worse her diaper is,” Corporal Brown says as he deftly manipulates the buttons on the small handheld device he holds. The device starts to gurgle and coo. “All set now, but boy, that was a nasty one. I forgot to bring her on patrol with me. Baaaaad daddy.” Continue Reading »
World admin on 06 Aug 2006
Jews Narrow Holocaust Gap
(FiniteTimes.com) – To the cheers of Jewish people the world-over, the Israeli Body Accounting Bureau (IBAB) has announced that for the first time in its history, Jews are starting to whittle away at the “Holocaust Gap.”
“Oy, we were in the hole pretty good after World War II. 5.7 million? That’s a lot of Jews,” said David Ayoob, IBAB spokesman. “But we’ve been slowly chipping away at it, what with the 7-Day War, Massad secret assassinations, and now our war with Hezbollah. I’m pleased to announce that today, the gap stands at 5.6 million.” Continue Reading »
