Finite Times

Following a week of intense media coverage over President Bush’s use of a dirty word (starts with “s”, rhymes with “clit”), CAP News’ own White House mole Deep Anus has confirmed that Karl Rove has begun a new initiative.

“They’re calling it Operation Pottymouth,” Deep Anus said, his identity concealed by the confessional screen at Georgetown’s St. McDonald’s Cathedral (home of the $3.99 Wafer, Shake & Sermon Luncheon Special).

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=34200607020

The Omaha-based Acme Widget Company is applauding the fact that they will only lose $296 million this year, down from a predicted $423 million.

“I’m ecstatic!” said Acme CEO Robert Edwardson. He spoke to CAP News at a special Omaha block party organized to celebrate the shortfall, the fourth largest in company history.

“This is a vindication of my stewardship, a sure sign that we’re only losing quarts of blood a quarter, not gallons,” Edwardson said between limbo attempts.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=75200607017

Friends and associates of Heather Mills McCartney are labeling as ludicrous claims by a Mexican meteorologist that the former-Beatles’ back-up wife was responsible for the naming of the hurricane currently threatening the Baja peninsula.

“Heather would never stoop to something so low,” said Stubby Greer, a close friend of Lady McCartney who spent years traveling with her on the amputee fetish convention circuit. “She’s all lady. Well, excepting the 6% of her what’s pine.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=70200610017

News that Star Jones Reynolds has packed back on the pounds and is pursuing a career with the Negro Sumo Wrestling League has the entertainment industry abuzz.

“I don’t think anyone here is too surprised,” Barbara Walters told CAP News yesterday post-View. “No one on my staff dared to get anywhere near a donut when Starr was in her tubby prime.”

Friends of Mrs. Jones Reynolds said the View-alum is looking forward to her upcoming bouts and indeed has been since June 9, 2000.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=23200607015

The US Coast Guard has told CAP News that they have spotted a large flotilla of vessels in the ocean straits between Cuba and Florida. In an odd twist, they admit that the flotilla is heading south.

“We suspect that they are trial lawyers, trying to get in on some of the lawsuit action that may result now that the President has allowed the Guantanamo prisoners Geneva Convention rights,” said Coast Guard Mini-Admiral Hector Badaz.

CAP News’ own thrill-seeking reporter Gerald Rivera has confirmed that this is in fact the case.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=11200607012

A spokesman for Pink Floyd front-man David Gilmore confirmed to CAP News today that the musician will be replacing the late Syd Barrett as Cambridge’s “resident reclusive loon.”

“David’s had a history of replacing Syd, so he’s really looking forward to it,” spokesman A. Layne said. “He’s got the old man shuffle down, and the glassy-eyed staring into space thing is really coming along nicely.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=18200607010

While all Congressmen gathered behind President Bush at Thursday’s fence bill signing ceremony had wide smiles on their faces, these smiles could literally disappear if a provision of the bill is implemented. And it all hinges on the up-coming mid-term elections.

The provision states:

The president shall, at his discretion and in response to perceived domestic hostilities, authorize the construction of a linear structure not to exceed seven (7) feet high within the area of the District of Columbia proper; specifically within the Capitol Building grid of said District; specifically within or around the primary structure located within such grid; specifically until such time as domestic hostilities shall cease.

“Basically it lets the president build a fence in Congress,” CAP News Washington Legal Correspondent Sy Garcia said. “Either right down the center of it or around it. I would imagine it would depend on whether the Democrats capture just one or both chambers of Congress in the upcoming election.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=78200610020

White trash lifestyle chronicler “The Redneck Revewe” announced yesterday that they are filing a lawsuit against Britney Spears and Harper’s Bazaar for breach of contract.

“Miss Spears gave us first photographic rights to every future litter she spits out,” said Cooter Daniels, CEO of Velvet Elvis Enterprises, parent company of The Redneck Revewe. “It’s just sad when one of yer own stabs you in the back. Just sad.”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=22200607005

North Korea is expressing shock that its lavish celebration honoring American independence is being misinterpreted.

“We shoot up missiles, say ‘Happy Birthday, Uncle Sam!’” an announcer said on Pyongyang’s Korean Central Broadcast Station. “What we get for our troubles? Condi Rice threaten to hump us. No thank you, sister!”

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=83200607006

It started out simply enough.

Senator Jack Ensign (R-Nev.) introduced a bill on the Senate floor last week that would have renamed “fireworks” to “freedomworks”.

“This year, as we gaze up at the spectacle of exploding ordinance and go ooo! aah!, we’ll remember the forest fires that have devastated so many of our Western friends - my neighbors - and we’ll say, ‘Those are some pretty nifty freedomworks’,” Ensign said on the floor of the Senate.

Unbeknownst to Ensign, F. James Sensenbrenner (R-Wis.) was offering a similar, albeit markedly different, bill on the House floor.

See the whole article at CAP News:

http://www.crystalair.com/content.php?id=78200607003