Monthly ArchiveJune 2006
Entertainment admin on 25 Jun 2006
Walters: Mr. T to Replace Star Jones Reynolds
Mere days after Star Jones Reynolds told Barbara Walters that regardless of what tree she wished to be she just wanted to leave, Walters has found another quirky black person to take her place.
“Mr. T will bring a little bling, a little 70’s street cred to The View,” Walters said. “Add our dyke to that, and we’ll be the edgiest show on television.”
See the whole article at CAP News:
Entertainment & U.S. admin on 22 Jun 2006
O.J., Rather To Make Reality Show
One is a seasoned newsman, a veteran of numerous political campaigns, brought down by the very industry he covered for 40 years. The other is an ex-football player, struggling, searching to find the murderer of his beloved ex-wife, a murder for which he was wrongly accused. Together, they’re hooking up to create the most successful crime-fighting team since Starsky & Hutch.
Well, that’s what Bravo is hoping, anyway. Provider of such ground-breaking reality programming as “Make Grandma A Ho” and “Dominatrix Dad”, Bravo has signed Dan Rather and O.J. “Juice-E” Simpson to star in a new reality-based show this fall tentatively titled, “The Rather Juice-E Detective Agency”.
“I’m as excited as a mudpuppy at a mayfly convention,” Dan Rather recently told CAP News Entertainment Reporter Elisia Gibbons at a sit-down to promote the show. Rather’s t-shirt, “The Frequency is ‘CBS Sucks’,” lends credibility to the rumors that his parting with his former network was something less than amicable.
See the whole article at CAP News:
U.S. & Weather admin on 20 Jun 2006
Tallahassee Vice
As FEMA staff scramble to put in place some form of plan for the upcoming hurricane season and administration officials brainstorm appearance-of-competency strategies, a small city is quietly growing just east of Tallahassee, Florida.
The residents call it “Vice City.”
“Ah come down here wit all my ho’s, and we just waiting fo’ it,” pimp Cornelius Schwartz III told CAP News Disaster Correspondent Gerald Rivera. “It coming some day, we just waitin’ - ho, get yo ass back out there and peddle it, bitch!”
See the whole article at CAP News:
World admin on 19 Jun 2006
Japan: Godzilla, Not Saddam, The Real Threat
Citing a concern that this year’s Godzilla season could be one of the worst on record, Japan announced that it is pulling its 600 troops from Iraq.
“ؿ?�? ??�? ?�? ؿ?��ؿ? Godzilla ?�?? ??�?ؿ ?�???�?? ??��??ؿ ?�? hijinx ?�? ??�? ؿ?�?,” Japan Defense Minister Bob Saki said Wednesday.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Living & Politics admin on 16 Jun 2006
Bush Book Celebrates Handicap Humor
Apparently it wasn’t the cat that got out of the sack when President Bush made fun of visually-impaired journalist Peter Wallsten at a recent Rose Garden press conference.
“I kinda let the colonoscopy out of the bag there,” Bush chuckled at a party to announce the publication of his latest book, “Cripple Quips: The Really Funny Humor Of George W. Bush.”
“The President was trying out new material for the second volume of his ‘Cripple Quips’ series,” said Press Secretary Tony Snow on Monday. “And for those who feel it is inappropriate, get over it. So the man lost two eyes, big deal. Two: it’s just a number.”
See the whole article at CAP News:
Education & Politics admin on 15 Jun 2006
Rumsfeld to Clowns: “Fill those big shoes.”
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was center-stage yesterday when he gave the commencement speech at the 12th graduation of the Cleveland Clown College.
“Am I happy to be here? Yes I am. Did I ship off to Gitmo the idiot who tried to make me do this with grease paint on? Yes I did,” Rumsfeld told the brightly-colored crowd.
In addition to offering nuggets of advice such as “You don’t go to the big top with the little car you want; you go with the little car you have,” Rumsfeld displayed his emotional side when he described how as a child he was terrified of clowns, and how all that changed one day.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Religion admin on 14 Jun 2006
What Would Jesus Sell?
When Pat Robertson recently claimed to have leg-pressed 2000 pounds, G.O.D. was silent. When Pat Robertson credited this improbable feat not to some divine spotter, but to his own diet shake ($17.95/pound, available wherever tubby evangelicals congregate), G.O.D. held a press conference.
“We here at the Global Organization of Denominations just find it incredibly tacky,” said G.O.D. spokesman Hugh Levitt. “Could you imagine Jesus out humping Mary Magdalene commemorative watches, or crown of thorn beer hats?
“At least Pat didn’t credit this accomplishment to his ‘golden calves,’ I guess,” Levitt said.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Politics admin on 12 Jun 2006
Democrats Concede 2006 Elections
Despite recent polls showing overwhelming support for Democrats over Republicans in the upcoming mid-term elections, Democratic leaders in Congress have tossed in the towel on any race that could possibly have resulted in Democratic pick-ups.
“We would have just fucked them up anyways,” said Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) at a recent press conference. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) was quick to agree.
“While we disagree with our Republican friends on many issues, on one issue we completely agree,” said Boxer. “We run terrible, terrible campaigns. We suck, we really do. I mean, you don’t even really have to Swift Boat us, we’re that bad.”
See the whole article at CAP News:
Living & Politics & U.S. admin on 06 Jun 2006
Bush Backs Fairy-Marriage Ban
President Bush on Monday launched his own proposal that would make gay marriage illegal, but even the most rabid of right-wing ideologues are scratching their heads at the way he’s chosen to go about it.
“It looks like he’s trying to blend the two issues, marry them if you will, in order to assure passage of both,” Colvis Community College Professor Bill Mincer told CAP News Infogayment Editor Greta Von Cistern.
Stealing heavily from the various immigration bills preparing to cockfight-it-out on Capitol Hill, President Bush is proposing an alternative to the gay marriage amendment, a multi-point plan to combat homo-betrothal that will include:
- The deployment of the National Guard to secure all churches and town clerk offices.
- The building of a big fence around San Francisco.
- Steep fines for any florists, photographers, caterers or DJ’s that agree to work at gay wedding receptions.
- A tax cut for millionaires.
See the whole article at CAP News:
Entertainment & Health admin on 03 Jun 2006
Couric On-Air Breast Exam Nixed
Famous for the on-air colonoscopy she underwent a few years ago, Katie Couric had a couple more points she wanted to make on her final “Today” show broadcast Wednesday. But age - and gravity - intervened.
“She wanted to close out with an on-air breast exam,” said associate producer Sarah Fletcher. “Because of the nature of such an exam, her full breasts would have been exposed. Unfortunately she was having a bad tit day. The puppies just weren’t so perky.”
See the whole article at CAP News:
