Monthly ArchiveJune 2006
Entertainment admin on 25 Jun 2006
Walters: Mr. T to Replace Star Jones Reynolds
(FiniteTimes.com) – Mere days after Star Jones Reynolds told Barbara Walters that regardless of what tree she wished to be she just wanted to leave, Walters has found another quirky black person to take her place.
“Mr. T will bring a little bling, a little 70’s street cred to The View,” Walters said. “Add our dyke to that, and we’ll be the edgiest show on television.” Continue Reading »
Entertainment &U.S. admin on 22 Jun 2006
O.J., Rather To Make Reality Show
(FiniteTimes.com) – One is a seasoned newsman, a veteran of numerous political campaigns, brought down by the very industry he covered for 40 years. The other is an ex-football player, struggling, searching to find the murderer of his beloved ex-wife, a murder for which he was wrongly accused. Together, they’re hooking up to create the most successful crime-fighting team since Starsky & Hutch.
Well, that’s what Bravo is hoping anyways. Provider of such ground-breaking reality programming as “Make Grandma a Ho” and “Dominatrix Dad,” Bravo has signed Dan Rather and O.J. “Juice-E” Simpson to star in a new reality-based show this fall that will be called “The Rather Juice-E Detective Agency.” Continue Reading »
U.S. &Weather admin on 20 Jun 2006
Tallahassee Vice
(FiniteTimes.com) – As FEMA staff scramble to put in place some form of plan for the upcoming hurricane season and administration officials brainstorm appearance-of-competency strategies, a small city is quietly growing just east of Tallahassee, Florida.
The residents call it “Vice City.” Continue Reading »
Living &Politics admin on 16 Jun 2006
Bush Book Celebrates Handicap Humor
(FiniteTimes.com) – Apparently it wasn’t the cat that got out of the sack when President Bush made fun of visually-impaired journalist Peter Wallsten at a recent Rose Garden press conference.
“I kinda let the colonoscopy out of the bag there,” Bush chuckled at a party to announce the publication of his latest book, “Cripple Quips: The Really Funny Humor of George W. Bush.” Continue Reading »
Education &Politics admin on 15 Jun 2006
Rumsfeld to Clowns: “Fill those big shoes.”
(FiniteTimes.com) – Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was center-stage Tuesday when he gave the commencement speech at the 12th graduation of the Cleveland Clown College.
“Am I happy to be here? Yes I am. Did I ship off to Gitmo the idiot who tried to make me do this with grease paint on? Yes I did,” Rumsfeld told the brightly-colored crowd. Continue Reading »
Religion admin on 14 Jun 2006
What Would Jesus Sell?
(FiniteTimes.com) – When Pat Robertson recently claimed to have leg-pressed 2000 pounds, G.O.D. was silent. When Pat Robertson credited this improbably feat not to some divine spotter, but to his own diet shake ($17.95/pound, available wherever tubby evangelicals congregate), G.O.D. held a press conference.
“We here at the Global Organization of Denominations just find it incredibly tacky,” said G.O.D. spokesman Hugh Levitt. “Could you imagine Jesus out humping Mary Magdalene commemorative watches, or crown of thorn beer hats? Continue Reading »
Politics admin on 12 Jun 2006
Democrats Concede 2006 Elections
(FiniteTimes.com) – Despite recent polls showing overwhelming support for Democrats over Republicans in the up-coming mid-term elections, Democratic leaders in Congress have tossed in the towel on any race that could possibly have resulted in Democratic pick-ups.
“We would have just fucked them up anyways,” said Senator John Kerry (D, Massachusetts) at a press conference yesterday. Senator Barbara Boxer (D, California) was quick to agree. Continue Reading »
Living &Politics &U.S. admin on 06 Jun 2006
Bush Backs Fairy-Marriage Ban
(FiniteTimes.com) – President Bush on Monday launched his own proposal that would make gay marriage illegal, but even the most rabid of right-wing ideologues are scratching their heads at the way he’s chosen to go about it.
“It looks like he’s trying to blend the two issues, marry them if you will, in order to assure passage of both,” Colvis Community College Professor Bill Mincer told The Finite Times Infogayment Editor Greta Von Cistern. Continue Reading »
Entertainment &Health admin on 03 Jun 2006
Couric On-Air Breast Exam Nixed
(FiniteTimes.com) – Famous for the on-air colonoscopy she underwent a few years ago, Katie Couric had a couple of more points she wanted to make on her final Today show broadcast Wednesday. But age – and gravity – intervened.
“She wanted to close out with an on-air breast exam,” said associate producer Sarah Fletcher. “Because of the nature of such an exam, her full breasts would have been exposed. Unfortunately she was having a bad tit day. The puppies just weren’t so perky.” Continue Reading »
U.S. admin on 02 Jun 2006
Feds Warn Of Possible 9/11 Popsicle Stick Plot
(FiniteTimes.com) – Visitors to the Washington, DC area during the 9/11 commemorative period should be particularly vigilant this year, says a joint Secret Service/FBI task force.
“We’re seeing a lot of chatter out there, and feel that DC may be ground zero in a situation that has been brewing for some time,” said task force spokesman Lou Edwards. “Intel indicates that two events in particular – the White House West Lawn Popsicle Stick Twin Tower Construct-Off and the Greater DC Model Airplane Club Jamboree, which will be held near the reflecting pool – are particularly vulnerable.” Continue Reading »
