The Finite Times

(FiniteTimes.com) – Spokesmen for both camps confirmed that Mickey Mouse has been signed on to appear in the next season of The Simpsons. What isn’t clear is what this will mean in terms of Homer Simpson’s place in the ensemble cast.

“You know, Mickey has been unhappy for years,” said Hollywood insider Sy Mellish. “He goes from basically the top star of the Disney franchise to a bit player. It’s gotta hurt.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – When California executed 76-year-old Clarence Ray Allen this week, they proudly laid claim to having executed the oldest person since capitol punishment resumed in 1976. Not so fast, says Mississippi.

“When we put John B. Nixon to death last month, he was 77,” Said Mississippi Corrections Department spokesman Morris Cleland. “The record is firmly ours according to a fax I received this morning from the Guinness Record folks. California, y’all should have done your homework a little more carefully.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Just days after his speech at the Liberty Coalition in which he slammed President Bush’s “excessive power grab” and called into question the legality of NSA wiretaps, Al Gore has come up with a solution.

“I invented the Cone of Silence,” Gore admitted at a hastily-called news conference. “With this device, you can talk to people six feet away and the fascists in the current administration can not hear you. It’s like you’re in a little soundproof lockbox.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) — Doing anything Saturday? Perhaps you’d like to watch a couple of middle-aged women – and well known ones at that – beat the hell out of each other?

Calling it the First Lady Free-For-All (Vegas bookies opted for the handle The Librarian vs. The Legislator), the World Wrestling Federation announced yesterday that Hillary Rodham Clinton and Laura Bush’s verbal spat would be escalating greatly Saturday when the two meet in a Steel Cage Challenge in the Dan Quayle Colosseum. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Despite an engraving error that will make their spot on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame essentially a big hole in the sidewalk for the next couple of months, the members of Motley Crue have achieved the legitimacy they have so long craved. Joining such luminaries as John Wayne and Desi Arnaz, on Wednesday the Crue received their own star… well, the hole where it will go anyways.

“This fucking rocks,” said Crue founder Nikki Sixx. The other members of the band – Vince Neil, Mick Mars and Tommy Lee all agreed: yes, it did fucking rock. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – Citing his powers as Commander in Chief, President Bush has cancelled the TV drama The West Wing for “giving aid and comfort to the enemy.”

“It’s a misinterpretization of what we’re trying to do here,” Bush said at a Thursday press conference. “The terrorists think we’re all about feelings now, and we’re not. We’re about kicking ass. The West Wing did not kick enough ass.” Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – “I came to the conclusion that more information is better, even if it is not as full as we would like to see.” – Sergey Brin

Ripping a page from George Bush’s Naa Naa Naa Naa I Don’t Hear You information bubble playbook, Google co-founder Sergey Brin announced that his search engine would begin delivering censored results to China’s 100 million Internet surfers. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com)) – Evan Jameson walks the corridors of his large, Milwaukee warehouse, his footsteps echoing in the vast space. He’s spent the past few days holed up here, walking and reminiscing.

“This time of day, this warehouse used to be a bustle of activity. Fork lift operators, dock workers, sphere inspectors, school tours… them damn scientists ended all that,” Jameson said, his voice choked with emotion. Continue Reading »

(FiniteTimes.com) – The White House on Monday announced the latest in a string of initiatives designed to make the American public think they were doing something about the skyrocketing price of gas.

“Operation Horse & Buggy is designed to not only relieve Americans of their need for foreign oil, but also help in that whole theoretical global warming thing,” outgoing Press Secretary Scott McClellan said as he fumbled in his office/box for his shoe lifts. Continue Reading »